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A clerk in a computer store says to Dilbert, "Laptop computers are outdated. You want our new fingernail models." The laptops on the shelf are on sale for 50 cents. The salesclerk explains, "You glue them permanently to each nail. They sense where each finger is at all times. You don't need a keyboard." The salesman continues, "Of course, some people prefer that their computer not know where their fingers are at all times." The computer says to the clerk, "Dave, about last night . . ."
Dilbert sits at a table in a restaurant with a two-headed woman. The woman says, "Our last blind date was intimidated just because we're two-headed and telepathic." Dilbert thinks, "Must clear my mind. Don't think of anything naughty." Dilbert thinks, "Oops." The woman spills her drink.
Dilbert sits at a table in a restaurant with a two-headed woman. Dilbert says, "Believe it or not, this is the first time I've ever dated a two-headed telepath." The women look frightened. Dilbert says, "You might pick up a strange thought or two, but believe me, these are normal thoughts for a guy . . ." Dilbert says, "Well, maybe not that last one . . ." The woman grabs the tablecloth and looks shocked.
Dilbert sits at his desk working on his computer. The Boss says, "Yesterday we ran out of acronyms. Today we used our last accounting code. We're in big trouble." Dilbert asks, "Why don't we just reprogram the computers to accept longer codes?" The Boss replies, "A project like that would need an acronym and an accounting code." Dilbert asks, "Why not reuse a code from a project that's complete?" The Boss says, "Oddly enough, we've never completed a project."
Alice asks, "Dilbert, would you add my name to your patent application?" Dilbert asks, "Why should I?" Alice replies, "I would consider upgrading your status from 'co-worker' to 'friend I never see outside of work.'" Dilbert asks, "Would we eat lunch together?" Alice replies, "No, but I'll pencil you in and cancel at the last minute."
Dilbert sits in his chair reading the newspaper and Ratbert stands on the armrest. Ratbert says, "It used to bother me that the air was getting polluted and unbreathable." Ratbert continues, "But I realized that rats are hardier than humans - so we'll get all you stuff after you wheeze your last breath!" Dilbert says, "I think I'll go for a walk." Ratbert says, "Hey! Why not drive?"
The Boss: After comparing the two of you, I've decided to keep Dilbert for the last engineering job. Dilbert: Yes! I win, you little banana-eating-flea-hotel! Ha ha ha ha ha!!
The Boss reaches for the coffee pot and thinks, "I'm the Boss. I can take the last bit of coffee without making a new pot." The Boss yells, "Look at me!! I'm taking the last drop!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!" Dilbert says, "An actual human would feel guilt in this situation." The Boss says, "The pot needs washing."
Dogbert and Ratbert look at a globe. Dogbert says, "After I conquer the world I'll have a city named after you, Ratbert." Dogbert continues, "But before I do that I'll change your name to Pittsburgh." Dogbert continues, "If you play your cards right I'll change your last name to 'Yoo Hoo' and have a beverage named after you too!" Ratbert yells, "Yes! I'm gonna be famous!"
The Boss: The layoffs will be handled in the most human way possible. POW! Dilbert: How long does the tranquilizer last? The Boss: he'll wake up at the unemployment office,