Wrong God Comic Strips - Page 9

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402 Results for Wrong God

View 81 - 90 results for wrong god comic strips. Discover the best "Wrong God" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #spreadsheet, #terrible job, #boos, #meeting, #office, #poorly conceived, #complexity of real world, #wrong cells, #numbers don't lie, #business

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The Boss: "Asok, according to my spreadsheet, you have been doing a terrible job." Asok: "Perhaps your spreadsheet is poorly conceived and does not capture the complexity of the real world." "And let's not forget the near certainty that your formulae are pointing to the wrong cells." The Boss: "Numbers don't lie."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #credible scientist, #products harm enbviornment, #cats doubt on data, #eat wrong food, #hope you die

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Dogbert Consults Dogbert: "Every credible scientist on earth says your products harm the environment." "I recommend paying weasels to write articles casting doubt on the data." "Then eat the wrong kinds of foods and hope you die before the earth does. The Boss: "You're making me hungry!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #always wrong, #recommend shopping

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RatBert: I'm always wrong about everything. What can I do to fix that? Dogbert: "I recommend shopping. The customer is always right." Ratbert: "Shopping makes me smart?!!" Dogbert: "You aren't shopping yet."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #wrong budget, #no probelms, #unrealitic, #failure, #deceptive forecstas, #believe the lie, #deception, #optimism, #few hours, #perfect budget

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"This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever." "So?" "All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong." "Leaders do not plan for failure." "Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things don't work out?" "No." "A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism. Observe." "GAAA!!! BELIEVE! BELIEVE!" "The swelling will go down in a few hours. Then we'll have a perfect budget." "What?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #accomplishments, #past 3 months, #cutsomers, #misconceptions, #objective, #home computer, #paraphase, #flew to wrong city, #upgraded computer

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The Boss: "What? You have no accomplishments this month???" "What did you do for the past three months?" Dilbert: "Well, I spent much of that time correcting misconceptions that you gave to our customers." "And I attended meetings with you to keep you from creating additional misconceptions." "I spent a month working on an objective that you forgot to tell me didn't matter." "I flew to the wrong city for a meeting because you confused Houston with Austin." "And I upgraded your home computer so you wouldn't have to pay someone to do it." "Allow me to paraphrase: Blah, blah, blah, you didn't accomplish anything."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #god of management time, #insatiable appetite, #kronos, #manipulate perception, #month, #plenty of time, #states reprts, #upgrade servers, #side effects

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "Upgrade all of our network servers by Tuesday." Dilbert responds, "That's impossible. I need at least a month." The Boss replies, "Oh, it's impossible. Watch this." The Boss yells, "I summon Kronos, The God of Management Time!!" A man in a pink suit and hat comes and says, "I, Kronos, will manipulate your perception of time." Kronos hits The Boss on the head with his wand. Dilbert responds, "I don't see how that helps..." Kronos explains, "When he wakes up he will believe there is plenty of time and that you are a weasel." Dilbert asks, "Any side effects?" Kronos replies, "Just an insatiable appetite for status reports."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #wireless fiber multifage, #wrong solution, #software bug, #budget hardware, #business case, #get funding, #it people approved vendor, #better idea

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The boss leans over Dilbert, points to the computer screen and says, "Why don't you try using a wireless fiber multifage?" Dilbert says, "Well, first of all, no such thing exists." Dilbert continues, "If it did exist, it would surely be the wrong solution for a software bug." Dilbert says, "And there's no extra money in our budget for hardware." Dilbert continues, "It would take six months to writer a business case and get funding." The boss yawns. Dilbert says, "Then our I.T. people would refuse to install it because it's not an approved vendor." The boss says, "Do you have a better idea?" Dilbert says, "Yes. I just fixed it." The boss says, "Do you think you can hold the fort while I go coach someone else?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #doing it wrong, #response time, #sub second, #two seconds, #always right, #never wrong, #screaming

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Noriko says to Dilbert, "And we'll have sub-second response time. Dilbert says to Noriko, "Actually, it's already two seconds, and your change will add two more." Noriko exclaims to Dilbert, "Why do you always have to be right?!" Noriko says to Dilbert, "Just once can't you admit I'm right?" Dilbert says, "Okay, I admit that two plus two equals less than one." Noriko says, "I don't mean now, jerk. I mean in general." Dilbert says, "Okay. In general I admit that the rules of physics are optional." Noriko exclaims, "You're doing it wrong!!" Dilbert says, "You're right. My fault again."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #executives, #wages, #media, #overpaid, #ceos, #executive pay, #sultan of brunei, #larry elliosn, #god, #Religion, #Entertainment, #money

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CEO: The media is saying I'm overpaid compared to other CEOs. That's crazy. Do a benchmark study of executive pay, including the Sultan of Brunei, Larry Ellison, and God. Make sure my pay ends up somewhere in the middle so it doesn't look suspicious.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ignorance (knowledge), #thinking, #vet idea, #incompetent, #annoying, #wrong

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Boss: Did you vet this idea with your peers? Dilbert: They hated it. They also say you're incompetent and annoying, so how much can we really trust their opinion? Boss: It does sound as if they're wrong a lot. Dilbert: Exactly.