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False Rumor

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False Rumor - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #insult, #backhanded compliment, #liar, #idiot

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Dilbert: Everyone at work thinks I'ma liar because of a false rumor. Dogbert: If it makes you feel any better, I know you aren't a liar. Dilbert: Thank you. That does help. Dogbert: I see you as more of an idiot. And you're welcome.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #micromanaging, #managers, #productivity, #google

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Boss: I have a meeting in a few minutes, so I only have time to do some micromanaging. Dilbert: Wouldn't it be better do do regular managing? Boss: I don't have time for the regular kind. Dilbert: Then wouldn't it be better to do no managing at all? Boss: Some is better than none. Dilbert: Except when less is more. Boss: This got too complicated. How about I just stand behind you and suggest you Google stuff? Dilbert: Fine. I wish I had some data for this. Boss: Try Googling it.rnet,

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #character, #judging, #prediction, #reading, #con

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Boss: I'm a good judge of people. Dilbert: Really? What am I thinking right now? Boss: Hmmm... You're wondering how you could be more like me. You admire my leadership, and you write about me in glowing terms in your diary. Dilbert: What diary? Boss: Shhh! I'm still reading you. You have no patience and you don't like to be judged. Dilbert: Okay, that's enough. Boss: Nailed it!

Dogbert Won't Teach Persuasion To Dilbert

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Dogbert Won't Teach Persuasion To Dilbert - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #negotiating, #persuasion, #help, #altruism, #selfishness

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Dilbert: Can you teach me to be more persuasive? Dogbert: What's in it for me? Dilbert: It will make you feel good to help a friend. Dogbert: Does it feel as good as denying you? Dilbert: I have no way to know. Dogbert: Bah!

Dilbert Is Bad At Negotiating

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Dilbert Is Bad At Negotiating - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #negotiating, #haggle, #trick, #deception

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Dilbert: I want you to lower your price, but I don't know how to negotiate. Man: It's easy. All you need to do is offer to pay more than the list price and wait for me to counteroffer. Dilbert: Okay... I'll pay twenty percent over the list price. Man: You win! Sign here.

Boss Gets A Troll

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Boss Gets A Troll - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #troll, #social media, #trolling, #insult, #technology

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Boss: This idiot keeps insulting me on social media! Every time I block him, he returns with a new account. It's like he never has anything better to do. Dilbert: Do you have a new hobby? Wally: It's more like a passion.

Wally Is Working If You Don't See Him

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Wally Is Working If You Don't See Him - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laziness, #deception, #invisibility, #work ethic

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Boss: How's your stealth clothing project coming along? Wally: Great. I'm usually testing the prototype in the office. That's why you rarely see me working. Boss: So... the less I see you work, the more successful you must be? Wally: It's just common sense.

Wally Not Motivated

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Wally Not Motivated - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laziness, #motivation, #behavior, #medical, #treatment, #blame, #accountability, #psychology

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Wally: I need to take a medical leave to recover from my crippling laziness. Boss: Laziness is a behavior problem, not a medical problem. Wally: That would suggest you have not motivated me enough. Boss: Can't be that. It sounds more like you're dying.

Doctor Will Operate

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Doctor Will Operate - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laziness, #happiness, #satisfaction, #aspirations, #psychology

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Doctor: The MRI shows unusual activity in the laziness region of your brain. Normally, I would recommend brain surgery, but your brain also registers an unusually high level of happiness. Wally: So... how do we handle this? Doctor: I'm going to operate on myself to make me more like you.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #negotiation, #demand, #haggle, #prices, #pricing, #negotiate

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Boss: Negotiate with your vendor and get the price down. Dilbert: I don't know how to negotiate. I'm an engineer. Boss: It's simple. All you need to do is make an aggressive first demand and settle for less. Dilbert: How aggressive are we talking about here? Boss: The more aggressive the better. Dilbert: That doesn't sound right. Boss: Trust me. More is better. Dilbert: My opening demand is that you name me as a beneficiary on your life insurance police, mow my lawn, and die in traffic on the way home. Boss: You got the price down by 35 percent. Dilbert: I really hoped it wouldn't work.