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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #garbageman, #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #taunting, #mercilessly, #calibrated, #commands, #nothing

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Dogbert says to the garbage man, "Our robot is taunting Dilbert mercilessly. Is there any way to stop him?" The garbage man says, "I meant to tell you; I calibrated his neuro-actuator so he would obey only YOUR commands, Dogbert." The robot dangles Dilbert out of the window by his legs. Dilbert asks Dogbert, "What did he say?" Dogbert replies, "He says there's nothing you can do."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #lack, #ethics, #social, #conscience, #guilt, #module, #synthesized, #belief, #system, #spittle

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Dogbert says to the robot, "We need to do something about your total lack of ethics and social conscience." Dogbert continues, "I had Dilbert build this guilt module for your control board. It has the synthesized shame of every major belief system." Later, the robot says to Dilbert, "I am unworthy to roll in your spittle." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Frankly, I liked him better before."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #robot, #heart, #attacks, #eating, #cows, #california, #drought, #fault, #water, #subsidies, #global warming, #earth, #organized

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Dogbert and a robot sit outdoors. The robot says, "I worry . . . Is it my fault that people get heart attacks?" Dogbert replies, "No . . . That's from eating too many cows." The robot asks, "Is the California drought my fault?" Dogbert answers, "No . . . That's from water subsidies to cows." The robot asks, "Global warming?" Dogbert replies, "Cows again." The robot asks, "Cows are destroying the earth?" Dogbert says, "They're better organized than you'd think."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #plastic, #surgery, #decision, #nobody, #toucan sam, #cafeteria, #intern, #janet, #lips, #puffed, #tethered, #snorted

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A woman with a huge nose tells Dilbert and Wally, "I've decided to have plastic surgery." Dilbert replies, "Frankly, I think it's the right decision." Dilbert continues, "Maybe then nobody will call you 'Toucan Sam' behind your back in the cafeteria every day." Wally says, "Ooh, and remember when the summer intern left?" Wally continues, "The joke was 'Maybe Janet accidentally snorted him up her nose.'" Janet says, "Actually, I'm only going to have my lips puffed." Wally whispers, "I hope the nurses are tethered down." Dilbert arrives at home with his arm in a sling and a bandage on his head. He tells Dogbert, "I got off easy . . . Poor Norman got snorted."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #name, #deserve, #wrong, #world, #created, #ruebert, #robot, #spell

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Dogbert and a robot sit at the table. Dogbert says, "We need a name for you." The robot replies, "I don't deserve a name." The robot continues, "Everything that's wrong with the world is my fault. I rue the day I was created." Dogbert says, "I name you 'Ruebert.'" The robot replies, "Aaagh! People will spell it wrong and it's my fault!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #compelte, #eons, #martial, #bliss, #gomer, #somebody, #enlightened, #ruebert, #hell

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Ruebert the Robot says to Dilbert, "My mate is complete! I will now have eons of marital bliss!" The female robot says, "I don't think so, Gomer. I'm going to shop around . . . Maybe find somebody more enlightened than a can opener." Ruebert says, "It's Ruebert, not Gomer, and I'm the only other robot in existence!" The female robot thinks, "I'm in hell."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #robot, #discriminating, #female, #years, #compensate, #past, #injustices, #therefore, #argument, #effective

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A female robot says to Ruebert, "Males have been discriminating against females for a million years." Ruebert thinks, "Guilt attack." The female robot says, "Therefore, YOU must compensate ME for past injustices." Ruebert says, "You know, for a ridiculous argument, it's nonetheless quite effective." The female robot says, "Thank you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boy, #trouble, #parents, #bench, #Dogbert, #society, #mischievous, #murder, #spree

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Dogbert and a boy sit on a park bench. The little boy says, "Boy, I'm really in trouble with my parents . . ." Dogbert says, "That's okay, Brett. Our society finds it humorous when young boys are mischievous." Brett replies, "I went on a three-week murder spree." Dogbert laughs nervously."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #brett, #hydrogen bomb, #kill, #people, #cool, #suggestion

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Dogbert and Brett walk toward each other on the sidewalk. Dogbert says to the little boy, "Hi, Brett. What do you have there?" Brett, who is pulling a wagon with a bomb on it, replies, "Hydrogen bomb!!" Dogbert says, "Be careful. You could kill people with that thing." Brett says, "Really? Cool!" Brett pushes the bomb and says, "That's a great suggestion!" Dogbert walks away saying, "I've done better . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #withdraw, #dollars, #account, #Number, #bank, #concept

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Dilbert approaches the Bank of Ethel and sees a sign that says "Now a secret Swiss bank." Dilbert says to a teller, "I'd like to withdraw two hundred dollars." The woman asks, "What's your secret Swiss account number?" Dilbert replies, "I don't have a secret account. It's just a regular account." The teller says, "Wrong. I changed all of the accounts into secret Swiss accounts." Dilbert says, "Oh, okay. What's my secret account number?" The woman replies, "It's a secret." Dilbert asks, "Then how do I get my money out?" The teller says, "You're a bit slow in grasping the concept here." Dilbert says, "Okay, okay. I'll just open a new account." The teller asks, "Do you hav eany previous banking references?"