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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags avoid finsihing, surplus employees, wrong about knowing

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The Boss says to Wally and Dilbert, "Business is way down. You know what you need to do." Wally responds, "Avoid finishing anything so we never appear to be surplus employees?" Wally continues, "Maybe this would be a good time to admit that you were wrong about us knowing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags find calling, life and waste, metal detector, no to bottle cap, priceless treasure

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Wally is walking down the hallway with a metal detector. Alice asks him, "Wally, what do you expect to find here with a metal detector?" Wally responds, "My first choice is some sort of priceless treasure. But I wouldn't say no to a bottle cap." Alice leaves and Wally thinks to himself, "I finally find my calling in life and I waste all day explaining it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags interview, long story, bank story, argued, admit mistake, landmark court case, bank claims, dumb guy, fit in

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The Boss is with another man and introduces him to Dilbert. The Boss says, "Dilbert, I'd like you to interview Matt for our department." Dilbert asks Matt, "There's a three-year gap in your work history. What were you doing?" Matt replies, "One day I was balancing my checkbook and noticed a bank error." Matt continues, "So I embarked on a three-year mission to make the bank admit its mistake!" Matt continues, "I worked the phones day and night, rarely eating or bathing." Matt continues, "Then came the sit-ins, the media frenzy and the landmark court case." Matt exclaims, "The bank claimed that seven minus four is three. And I'm like, 'Since when?'" After the interview, The Boss asks Dilbert, "Would he fit in?" Dilbert replies, "Unfortunately, yes."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags boss on vacation, no chair sitting, vacation, in charge

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The Boss says to Wally, "Wally, it's your turn to be in charge while I'm on vacation." The Boss continues, "But whatever you do, do NOT sit in my chair. It wouldn't be right." Wally shakes his rear end in front of The Boss' chair and says, "Ooh-baby! you want some of this. Yes, you do."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags quitting, work for myslef, deal with morons, freelance webdesigner

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An employee comes into The Boss' office and says, "Ha ha! I quit you stinkin' pile of rubbish!" The employee continues, "I'm going to work for myself. I won't need to deal with morons like you again!" The employee calms down and adds, "On an unrelated note, if you need a freelance web designer, please call me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags reduce expenses, new dress barrles, casual barrel day, barrel rides up

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The Boss is standing naked, in a barrel. He says to Carol, "To remind us all of our need to reduce expenses, the new dress code is barrels." The Boss continues, "Except for Friday, which will be casual barrel day." Wally, The Boss, and Dilbert are sitting with their arms up and barrels hiding their heads. Dilbert says, "Has anyone else noticed that the barrel rides up with you sit?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags elbonia, meeting, no limo servoce, cheapest way, brownies barrel service, business

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Dilbert is still in a barrel. The Boss says to him, "I'm sending you to Elbonia for a meeting, but we're on a tight budget." The Boss, also in a barrel, continues, "So there will be no limo service to the airport. Go there in the cheapest way possible." A bear rolls Dilbert in his barrel down the highway. The bear says, "And then I started Brownie's Barrel Service." Dilbert thinks, "He's a talker."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags rat hole, business plan, pay huge investment fees, money losing, take your money, push in hole

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Dogbert is sitting outside behind a desk labeled, "Rat Hole." A businessman approaches holding a bag of money and asks, "May I throw money down the rat hole?" Dogbert replies, "Show me your business plan." Dogbert flips through the business plan and says, "You plan to pay huge investment banking fees to buy a low-margin, money-losing business..." Dogbert says, "For an extra fee, I'll push you in the hold and take your money." The businessman replies, "Oooh, sounds good."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags 25 million dolalrs, rat hole, ride into space, russian rocket, poor, rocket

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A man carrying a bag of money approaches the "Rat Hole." He says to Dogbert, "I can't decide if I should throw 25 million dollars down a rat hole or..." The man continues, "... Buy a ride into space on a Russian rocket ship." The man is throwing his money into the hole. Dogbert asks, "What about the poor?" The man replies, "Do they have a rocket?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags unwritten rule, talked to boss's boss, rule against, interesting, wonder why, transmitting, rules of esp, outgoing signals, silent, not supposed to, unwritten, boss, alice

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Alice asks, "I did what?" The Boss responds, "You talked to my boss without my permission." Alice says, "I don't remember reading a rule against that." The Boss replies, "That's because it's an unwritten rule." Alice says, "Unwritten you say? Hmm.. isn't that interesting? I wonder why it's unwritten." Alice continues, "I would think you'd be proud to write down an excellent rule such as that." Alice continues, "But if you prefer to keep transmitting rules by ESP, your skull seems to be blocking the out-going signals." Alice continues, "If you're sending a new rule now, turn your head so it can come out your ear hole."