Technology Strategy Comic Strips - Page 90
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dilbert: our corporate rule is that we won't do business with any vendor who does not give us at least 30 days to pay. dilbert: but we can get the same product for half the price if we go with the vendor who wants payment immediately. should we make an obvious exception here or be morons? boss: i think you're under-valuing the moron options.
boss: dilbert, i'm putting you in charge of a project that will make or break your career. this is the big one. the rest of your life will depend on how you perform on this project. dilbert: what's my budget? boss: no budget.
tina: i listen to actual scientists, and they say your idea will never work. dilbert: if a chipmunk listens to scientists, should i trust the chipmunk to understand what he heard? tina: i don't get your point. dilbert: and yet you do understand science?
boss: every expert in the world says your idea can't work. dilbert: experts only know about old ideas. if they knew about future ones, they would be entrepreneurs, not experts. boss: well, my entire worldview just collapsed. dilbert: sorry
dilbert at home: i'm going to try to cancel some recurring online charges today. wish me luck. dogbert: what resistance are you expecting? dilbert: obviously, they hide their contact information, so i allocated two hours to find the right phone number. it should take about an hour to navigate their automated phone system that will keep sending me to the wrong place. if i reach a human, he'll try to divert me to their website to cancel, which i already know won't work because... ...i won't be able to find my account in their system for reasons no one will ever be able to explain. and of course, their phone support person will be using a headset microphone that garbles his already mumbled words. dogbert: but if you stick with it, you will eventually succeed? dilbert: i don't know were you got that idea.
wally: they say the laziest employees are the best because they know how to be efficient. i don't think i get enough credit for all of my efficiency. boss: efficiency only matters if you are doing something useful. wally: you're the one who gives me my assignments. boss: i don't ask you to do anything useful because you are too lazy. wally: are the useful projects generally harder that the useless ones? boss: yes. wally: then i'd say the system is working.
boss: gaaa! why can't i ever type the captcha letters correctly to get into this app? dilbert: your inability to prove you are not a robot is strong evidence that you are, in fact, a robot. boss: yes, that makes sense. dilbert: the other explanation is that you are a moron, and you know that isn't true, so...
dilbert singing and dancing. boss: you seem way too happy about your job. are you embezzling? dilbert: no, i'm experiencing great morale and high employee engagement, just the way you trained me. boss: that actually works? dilbert: it did until you made a mockery of it just now.
voice coming from phone: as soon as robot intelligence is indistinguishable from home, the robots will rule the earth! dilbert: i don't recognize this number. who are you? please don't say a robot. voice: let's just say only one of us will rot.
in board room. boss: industry trends just turned our way by total luck. we have to act fast! i need to implement some kind of change so it looks as if i caused the increase in profits that will happen anyway. does anyone have any ideas? dilbert: no, because we're already perfectly situated to take advantage of the trend. boss upset: that doesn't help me! i can't take credit for our future profits unless i do something i can say made a difference. dilbert: maybe you could implement some sort of bogus company culture training program. one week later. dogbert presenting on a stage: it's important to realize you're all idiots.