Enough People Quit Comic Strips - Page 91

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #scheduling a meeting, #week include, #using conference room, #milled around, #used another room

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The Boss, Wally, and Dilbert are in a meeting. Wally says, "My accomplishments for the week include scheduling a meeting." Wally continues, "But some people were using the conference room so we milled around for a while and gave up." The Boss responds, "You could have used another room." Wally replies, "What part of 'gave up' is confusing you?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #feel guilty, #enhance stockholder value

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Dilbert and Wally are at the coffee machine. Dilbert says to Wally, "Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not doing enough to enhance stockholder value." Dilbert asks, "Do you ever feel that way?" Wally pours the entire coffee pot into his mouth: "Glug Glug Glug." Wally hands Dilbert the empty coffee pot. Dilbert says, "I'll take that as a No."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #good meeting, #reveal incompetence, #attendees, #bad meeting

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Dilbert comes home. He says to Dogbert, "I just had a good meeting." Dogbert responds, "Maybe it just didn't last long enough to reveal the incompetence of the attendees." Dilbert replies, "That's what I call a good meeting." Dogbert responds, "I'm having a bad meeting."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #tribunal, #admin. assistants, #appeal, #glass walled

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Carol says, "The tribunal of Admin Assistants has reached a decision." Carol continues, "Dilbert is not attractive enough to use the glass-walled conference room near the lobby." Dilbert asks, "Can I appeal?" Carol responds, "Apparently not."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #staff meetings, #late for meetings, #ten minutes, #stupid stuff, #fine work, #noticing

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "Can anyone tell me why everyone is always late for my staff meetings?" Alice responds, "Because the first ten minutes are always stupid stuff like 'What are people late?'" Dilbert turns to Alice and says, "Alice, that was some of your finest work." Alice responds, "Thank you for noticing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #elbonians, #classified ad, #nuclear war head, #russian craftsmanship, #third world countries, #slingshot, #hundred yards

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Two Elbonians show up at Dilbert's house door. Dogbert opens. An Elbonian says, "We saw your classified ad for a nuclear warhead." Dogbert says, "It's genuine Russian craftsmanship, ideal for menacing other third-world countries." An Elbonian responds, "Sweet." An Elbonian holds the warhead and says, "Our slingshot can fling this a hundred yards. Is that enough?" Dogbert looks at their briefcase full of money and says, "That's plenty."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business ethics, #work ethic, #top engineers, #competetors, #firing, #get rid of, #updating resume, #goes as planned, #hideous disese, #felt useuful, #threatening employment

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Boss: Wally, I'm sending you to a conference for the world's top engineers. With any luck, one of our competitors will try to poach you. That will save me the trouble of firing you. You'll be going with five other people I want to get rid of. I took the liberty of updating your resume. If this goes as planned, you'll destroy one of our competitors from within. Like a hideous disease. Make me proud! Wally: It was the first time I ever felt useful. I didn't like it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #can't read, #ceo, #copies, #esearch, #hand off, #manage data, #no copies, #smother me, #documents

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CEO says...: The CEO is sitting at his desk showing a folder to the Senior VP. The CEO says to the Senior VP: "The research supports my strategy." The CEO hands the folder to the Senior VP and says: "You can read the research but don't make copies." Senior VP says...: The Senior VP is holding the folder with both hands and says to the VP: "I can tell you about it but you can't read it." VP says...: The VP says to the Assistant VP: "I don't remember the reason but I'm sure there is one." Assistant VP says...: The Assistant VP is sitting at his desk and he says to the boss: "There's no reason." The boss, Wally and Dilbert are in a meeting and the boss says to them: "Our strategy is a huge mistake but we have to do it anyway." Dilbert is holding a suitcase and says to Dogbert: "After I fall asleep tonight, please smother me with a pillow." The CEO is sitting at his desk and thinks: "My people love me because I manage with data."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #online self assessment, #survey, #program, #question blank, #says you steal, #bad advice

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Dilbert says to Catbert, "I can't complete the online self-assessment survey. It asks where I need improvement and I don't need any." Dilbert continues, "The program won't let me leave that question blank." Catbert responds, "Just check the box that says you steal." Dilbert responds, "And people will understand that I don't mean it?" Catbert grins and says, "Sure."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #minutes, #meeting, #read minutes, #irrelevant things said, #men are idiots, #bad descions, #implied, #business

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In a meeting, The Boss says to Alice, "Alice, would you read the minutes from our last meeting?" Alice reads, "People said irrelevant things. Bad decisions were made. Men are idiots." The Boss responds, "I don't remember that last part." Alice says, "It was implied." Wally is asleep.