Losing Will To Live Comic Strips - Page 91
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"As you requested, this price quote includes absolutely every expense you'll incur!" "If that's true, you won't mind signing the 'Alice Side Agreement." "'In the event of hidden costs, customer will repeatedly punch vendor while telling 'you freaking weasel!'" "Pen?"
"You laugh at everything, whether it's funny or not." "Ha ha ha!! It's true." "You're hired. You'll have a big impact on morale!" "Ha ha ha!! Yes, I will!" "Must stay alive." "HA HA HA!! COMPUTERS ARE FUNNY! HA HA!!"
The man who couldn't give direct answers. Alice: "Did you ask your boss for approval?" Man: "Now i will explain the process for getting approval." Alice: "Do you want to do this the hard way?" Man: "First, you ask for a meeting."
Dogbert: "You need to slither away from your doomed project before you get blamed." Dogbert: "My assistant will teach you how to shed your project manager skin." Snake: "Yello!" Skeleton: "Ow! Ow! Ow! How's this so far?" Snake: "Impressive, but we were speaking metaphorically."
Wally: I've put my heart and soul into the high-speed-data-by-sewer project. But I believe in developing outr talent pool, SO I recommend putting Asok in charge if the project, I will be his mentor, AsoK; wow! what should I do first? Wally: I wouldn't rule out panicking.
Tags #401k plan, #afterlife, #charisma, #evil director, #expected - value basis, #free software upagrdes, #high potential reward, #human resources, #math, #odds seem low, #reward you in aftrelife, #seventy versions, #education, #business
Catbert, the Evil Director of Human Resources." Catbert: "Your 401K Retirement Plan will be replaced with a 401A plan." "The 'A' stands for afterlife." "You'll get no money in this life, but the company will reward you in the afterlife." Dilbert: "The odds of that happening seem low." CatBert: "Yes, but on an expected-value basis, a high potential reward compensates for low odds." "For example, how many free software upgrades would I need to promise you in the afterlife to make you work yourself to death this year?" Dilbert: "Seventy versions." "I resisted his charisma. But he got me with his math."
The boss: "Hey, it's a customer!" The boss: "You're in luck; our next version has every feature you'll ever want!" Man: "It does?" "I was ready to buy your current version... but I guess I'll wait." The Boss: "When will our new version be ready?" Dilbert: "In a year." "The new version will leapfrog our competition." Man: "Leapfrog? That implies that they have better products right now." The Boss: "BUY OUR PRODUCT, YOU STINKIN' PILE OF CRUD!!" "SLAP!" "I have to run. Try not to blow the sale."
"Who's today's guest cartoonist?" "At great expense, I've just hired Nildo Orbfutz as a consultant. He will increase our productivity hereby calculating how much time is actually wasted!" "Well, Nildo. How did you acquire your credentials? Degree in business management? HR? PR? Psychology?" "On-the-job training." "Let me guess: you've been fired from every job you ever had... for wasting time?" "Welcome to the wonderfuk world of consulting." "Answer: go to Dilbert.com."
Dilbert: All week I felt like I was driving through alternative universes I was me, But Was different. Therapist: Have you been near any dense objects that would make the fabric of space-time fold onto itself? ONE WEEK AGO The Boss: will there be any unforeseen problems? Dilbert: whats happening to me?
"Catbert: Evil HR Director." "The company will provide free cholesterol screening on Tuesday." "At the same time, we're providing bacon and cheese hoagies across the hall. It's your choice." "I hate him, but I also love him."