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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #demanding, #stock, #prices, #conspiracy, #idea, #alien

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Dogbert the CEO Dogbert says, "We need another economic bubble to drive up our stock value." Dogbert says, "Assemble the illuminati!" Man says, "As usual, I'll create the media frenzy, Dogbert will manipulate prices, and IXPU will vaporize the whistle-blowers."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #consultant, #information, #credit, #managing, #costume, #confident, #business

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Dogbert the CEO Man says, "Consumer confidence is up, and that means more people will buy our products." Dogbert says, "I'm off to make random management changes so I can take credit for the improved economy." Dilbert says, "It's working?" The Boss says, "Sales are up!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #coffee, #stock tip, #ridicule, #criticism, #hair cut, #old fashioned, #doubt, #annoyed

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Man says, "I have a great stock tip for you, Alice." Alice says, "And I should trust you because you're an expert on all things except your own ridiculous hair?" Man says, "I also know a lot about old cars." Alice says, "Shocker."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #sitting, #idea, #moving, #identity, #theft, #introduction

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The boss says, "We're moving our data center to Elbonia to save money." Dilbert says, "That seems a bit dangerous since every Elbonian is an identity thief." The Boss says, "What?" It seemed like an exaggeration, but it wasn't. Elbonian says ,"Hi, I'm old man Podemkin." Elbonian says, "I was him this morning!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #asking, #work, #task, #assignment, #excuses, #ridicule, #avoiding, #hopeless, #defeated, #annoyed, #complaining

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Dilbert says, "Could you make these changes in the database? It will only take five minutes."Man says, "Ooh, I don't know?" Dilbert says, "Wait!" Dilbert says, "Are you planning to spend ten minutes explaining why you don't have five minutes to do this task?" Dilbert says, "Or are you so incompetent that a five-minute task will take an hour?" Dilbert says, "Or are you limited by company policy because you're a feckless waste of carbon?" Dilbert says, "Or are you the agreeable but unorganized type who will say yes, lose my note, and forget who asked?" Man says, "I was planning to tell you this doesn't need to be done and refuse to change my position even after you give me good reasons." Dilbert says, "Experience is just another word for losing hope."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #sitting, #meeting, #drugs, #medicing, #explaining, #screaming, #scared, #stupidity, #suggestion, #business

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Man says, "My prescription meds cause drowsiness." Man says, "So I got a second prescription that causes phantom-hand syndrome to slap me at random intervals." Alice says, "Maybe you should use a doctor who has less-effective pharmaceutical reps in his territory." Man says, "Fist!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #doctor, #medicine, #explaining, #Men, #growing, #wings, #side effect, #medical

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Man says, "I need you to take these pills because the pharmaceutical rep is smoking hot." Man says, "It might have some side effects, but the 'Guy code' says you have to be my wingman if I ask." Dilbert says, "Apparently he subscribes to a literal interpretation of the guy code."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #talking, #telling, #story, #interrupted, #annoyed, #berating, #angry, #hijacked, #criticism, #ridicule, #ignoring

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Dilbert says, "And then Ted said he'd?" Man says, "Ho ho! I've seen that a million times!" Man says, "At my old job we used to make cricket noises whenever our manager was approaching." Man says, "But that doesn't mean you should cut corners when it comes to quality." Dilbert says, "You're hijacking our conversation!" Man says, "I'm adding value." Dilbert says, "You don't even know what we were talking about." Wally says, "Apparently you have a social disorder that compes you to insert irrelevant stories and trite observations into other people's conversations." Wally says, "I assume part of the disorder involves not being able to recognize it in yourself." Dilbert says, "I wonder if he can hear us." Man says, "Did I tell you about my camping trip?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #man, #sitting, #meeting, #contract, #reading, #skipping, #failure, #inefficient, #business

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Dilbert says, "My company typically takes about four months to negotiate this type of contract." Dilbert says, "And during that time there's a 100% chance that we'll change our minds or you'll discontinue this product." Dilbert says, "Shall we save some time by declaring failure and blaming each other?" Man says, "I gave up before I even handed you the contract."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #interview, #asking, #Family, #large, #leaving, #trouble, #busy, #annoyed

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the boss says, "Do you have any relatives?" Man says, "Yes, I have a huge family." The boss says, "In any given week, how many of them are dying, graduating, going to jail, or getting married?" Man says, "Maybe?six." The Boss says, "When would you have time to work?" Man says, "I have to go. Someone fell out of a tree."