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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags senior vice presdient, cyrus, virus, infection, managers, old cronmies, pointy haired pete

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "I'd like you to meet our new Senior Vice President, Cyrus The Virus." The Boss continues, "Like an infection, he will soon attack the managers in this company and replace us with his old cronies." The new Senior Vice President says into his cell phone, "Tell pointy-haired Pete to get over here right away."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags demoting to engineer, job to crony, real work, pretend, working, one wally

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The new Senior Vice President says to The Boss, "I'm demoting you to engineer so I can give your current job to one of my cronies." The Boss exclaims, "I won't survive. I don't know how to do real work!" The Boss says to Wally, "Wally, can you teach me how to pretend to be working?" Wally replies, "Whoa! There can only be one Wally."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags cubicle, loser cruiser, perfectly respectable, get used to it, demotion, loser, cry, no reason to cry

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Headline: Demoted. The Boss heads into his new cubicle and thinks, "A cubicle isn't so bad. I can get used to it." The Boss sits in his new chair and trembles. He thinks, "It's perfectly respectable. There's no reason to cry." The Boss is crying. Catbert approaches and asks, "How do you like your new 'Loser Cruiser?'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags downsized, no revenue, three months, fire billing, excellent performance

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The Boss says to Ted, "Ted, your performance is excellent but I have to downsize you." Ted asks, "Why?" The Boss replies, "Our billing system is so defective that we haven't made any revenue in three months." Ted asks, "Why don't you fire the billing department?" The Boss responds, "I did... three months ago."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags appear smarter, less is more, sound more wise, agreements

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The new employee says to Dilbert, "I've learned to appear smarter than I am." The new employee continues, "I agree with whatever people say then I reword it to sound more wise." Dilbert responds, "Please leave my cubicle." The new employee replies, "Because sometimes less is more!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dilberts moother, making conversation, massively incompetent, ashamed, dilmom

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Dilbert and his mom are watching television. Dilbert says, "Mom, here's our new commercial." Dilbert's mom replies, "It gives no information about your products. Are you ashamed or just massively incompetent?" Dilbert asks, "Why can't we be both?" Dilbert's mom responds, "I was just making conversation."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags nitwit hates ogre, ogre ate nitwit, borrow nit iwt, requisition, work, coffee room, break room, ogre, nit wit, coworkers, new hires

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Dilbert and Alice are at the coffee machine. Alice says, "My project is being stalled because my nitwit hates my ogre, and my #$&%! won't do any work." Dilbert responds, "My ogre ate my nitwit and my #$&%! is trying to blame me for it." Alice asks, "Do you want to borrow my nitwit?" Dilbert responds, "No, I have a requisition in."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags drop by iq, measure of drop by visitor, stay in cubicle, one hour

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Dilbert is sitting on the couch at home. Dogbert says, "I've developed a new theory of intelligence that I call 'Drop-by-I.Q.'" Dogbert continues, "It's a measure of how long a drop-by visitor will stay in your cubicle when you're trying to work." The Boss is standing in Alice's cubicle. He says, ..."And that's why I'm afraid of bananas." Alice looks at her clock and thinks, "One hour and counting."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags estate planning, probate costs, create living trust, lawyers, witty observation

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Headline: Estate Planning. The lawyer says to Dilbert, "You can avoid probate costs by creating a living trust." Dilbert replies, "So.. I can use an inconvenient system created by lawyers to avoid a worse system created by lawyers?" The lawyer points to his watch and says, "According to my watch, that witty observation cost you four dollars."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags performance review, two jobs, well, attaboy, no budget for raise, cheapen

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Headline: Performance Review. The Boss says to Dilbert, "You did two jobs for a year and you did them well." The Boss continues, "I have no budget for raises, so all I can offer is an attaboy." The Boss continues, "The problem is: I don't want to cheapen the whole attaboy system."