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"Asok, you need to have more of a winner's mentality." "If I had that sort of thing, why would I work here?" "Ideally, we want you to be dumb and optimistic at the same time."

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"Dilbert, do you have some time to help me with this technical analysis?" "Sure, if you'll go to my house and mow my lawn so this doesn't become a lopsided relationship." "Why must you be so difficult to abuse?" "Go spit in your socks."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #factory, #elbonia, #stock swap, #reached agreement, #rebels, #company value, #terrorits, #indirectly

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Dilbert: "I reached an agreement with the rebels so they won't attack our factory in Elbonia." "It's a stock swap. Every time they collect a ransom, the value of our company will increase." The Boss: "Doesn't that make us terrorists?" Dilbert: "Very indirectly."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new dress code, #consolidating, #offcies, #20 people cubicle, #impossible, #thin film pil, #no clothes, #bad conditions, #worst place work, #awards, #demoralize, #inhumane, #horrid conditions

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Catbert: The new dress code is a thin film of oil. "We're consolidating offices and we need to fit twenty people in each cubicle." Dilbert: "They've pretty much given up on winning one of those awards for best places to work."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #software, #budget, #computer, #tiny mittens, #thermometer, #hell, #your turn, #nice guy, #intern, #abused, #mean coworkers, #technology, #engineering

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Asok: I need this software to do my job. The Boss: "The software budget is spent. Just share a computer with someone who has this software." Alice: "Why don't you take your tiny mittens and a thermometer to hell and wait for a sign that it's your turn."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #charge your time, #appropriate code, #unfunded, #time codes, #falsify report, #no projects funded, #meeting, #business

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The Boss: "Remember to charge your time to the appropriate project code." "Unless your project is unfunded, in which case the time codes won't work and you'll need to falsify your time report." Alice: "Are any of our projects funded?" The Boss: "This is the embarrassing part."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ignored, #coworker, #acknowledge existence, #uniportant, #talking clothes, #fretting, #mean, #anxiety

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Asok: "Alice, may I ask you a question? Alice? Alice?" Asok: "Gaaa! Am I so unimportant you feel no need to acknowledge my existence???" "Am I totally unimportant?" Catbert: "Hey, it's a bunch of talking clothes!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #personal problems, #doctors, #opeation, #serial problems, #steady diet, #licorice, #diet soda, #spleen, #c4 explosive, #support group, #alqueda

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Nancy, the employee with serious personal problems Nancy: "The doctors say I need an operation." "They think my steady diet of licorice and diet soda turned my spleen into a C-4 explosive." "So I joined a support group. Have you heard of Al Qaeda?" Dilbert: "Gotta go..."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #career counselor, #flower arranging, #billionaire, #work hard, #defeat purpose, #no work, #doesn't want to work

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Dogbert, career counselor "What would you like to do with your degree in...flower arranging?" "I'd like to be a billionaire." "Are you willing to work hard?" "That would sort of defeat the purpose."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #fly to austin, #customer, #call big cutsomers, #go inperson, #telephone, #show you care, #concept of phone

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Dilbert sits at the Boss' desk in his office and the Boss says to him, "Fly to Austin and answer some questions for a big customer." Dilbert asks, "Doesn't this customer have a telephone?" The Boss replies in shock as he thrusts his arms out to the side. "You don't call big customers!" Obviously confused, Dilbert aks "Um...why not?" In an exasperated voice, The Boss replies "You have to go in person to show that you care." Still not catching on, Dilbert replies "Actually, that would show that I didn't understand the concept of the telephone.? Now completely disgusted, The Boss replies "Just go." Dilbert is now sitting at a table with Ted who holds a phone in his hand and asks, "Do they have these where you come from?"