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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #strategic plan, #secret, #trust, #soabotage, #warranty, #chair

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Dilbert is in the boss' office. The boss says, "Make your report consistent with our strategic plan." Dilbert says, "What's out strategic plan?" The boss says, "It's a secret." Dilbert says, "Are you saying you don't trust me?" The boss says, "I don't think it's a coincidence that most employee sabotage is done by employees." Dilbert says, "How can I do my report if I don't know the strategy?! The boss says, "Okay, okay. I'll let you glance at it." The boss pulls a piece of paper out of his desk. The boss barely lets Dilbert see the paper. The boss says, "Time's up! That's long enough!" Dilbert says, "That's the warranty for your chair." The boss says, "Really? I've been managing to this for years."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Catbert, #director, #ceiling collapsed, #complained, #steel beam, #hit head, #happen in home, #losing consciousness, #suicide note, #doubting story, #questioning reality

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Caption: "CAtbert: H.R. Director". Catbert is at his desk. A voice says, "The ceiling in my work area collapsed." A man stands with a still beam stuck on his head. Catbert says, "No one else has complained." The man says, "A steel beam hit me in the head!" Catbert says, "How can I be sure it didn't happen in your home?" The man says, "There aren't any steel beams in my house!!" Catbert says, "Maybe you removed them with your head." The man says, "Uh-oh.... losing consciousness." and falls over. Catbert says, to the man's feet, "If you can hear me, don't worry! I'll write your suicide note!!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #power supply, #nail in wood, #vacation tomorrwo, #need changes

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Dilbert works on a computer with a screwdriver. A stupid looking man offers Dilbert a piece of wood with a nail in it. The dumb man says, "I didn't know how to design a power supply, so I put a nail in a piece of wood." The man says, "I'm on vacation tomorrow, so I'll give you my files in case you need to make changes." Dilbert holds the wood and looks mad. The stupid man says, "Once I had he idea, it all came together pretty quickly."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #sacrificial lamb, #head count vacancy, #budget cut, #shake hands, #get attached

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The boss introduces a new man to Dilbert. The boss says, "Dilbert, meet our new sacrifial lamb." The boss says, "I filled our headcount vacancy so we have someone to dump after the next budget cut." The lamb says, "Should we shake hands?" The boss says, "I don't want to get attached."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #management guide, #work, #bright enough, #decions, #randomness

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Dogbert sits at a table with the boss. Dogbert wears a turban. Dogbert says, "You must use the stars as your management guide." The boss says, "Does that work?" The boss says, "If you believe it works, then you're not bright enough to make your own decisions anyway." Dogbert wags his tail. Dogbert says, "So randomness is probably an improvement." The boss says, "Q.E.D."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #transfer sales dept, #scapegoat, #make useless pordcuts, #low sales, #good prodcuts, #perfect wrld

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The boss says, to the scapegoat, "I'm transferring you to the sales department, scapegoat." The boss says, "Then we can make useless products and blame you for our low sales." The scapegoat says, "Wouldn't it be better to make good products?" The boss says, "In a perfect world."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #nice woman, #venting, #phone number, #sounds nocer, #insulted, #descent story, #Dilbert, #brutal truth

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Dilbert is at a party. A woman says, "And then I said, "How am I supposed to do all that?" then I glared at her." Dilbert says, "Do you have that woman's phone number? She sounds nicer than you." Dilbert walks and thinks, "I don't see why it's MY fault she can't tell a decent story."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #hammer head bob, #im boring, #no way, #end conversation

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You're getting a visit from Hammer head Bob! I can't tell when Im boring, I might be boring now and I don't even know it, There's no way to end a conversation with me; I'll follow you to the bathroom. Dilbert: Im nailed.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #answer phone, #trick question, #meeting, #better get this, #phone rings, #ignores boss call, #business

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The boss comes up behind Wally who sits at his desk. The boss says, "Wally, I've been calling you for two hours! Why don't you answer your phone?" Wally says, "Is that a trick question?" The boss says, "Wally, unless your in a meeting.." The phone rings. Wally says, "Hold on. I'd better get this."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #process will fail, #everything, #plan work, #many tools, #conference call

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Dilbert sits at a table with another man (Ted). Dilbert looks at a piece of paper and says, "You're suggesting a process that will fail even if we do evrything right." The man says, "When can you start?" Dilbert says, "Listen carefully. No amount of skill or effort can make this plan work." The guy says, "No pain, no gain." Dilbert says, "you're not working with many tools here, are you?" The man says, "We need some sort of conferance call."