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Everything Sounds Like A Lie

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Everything Sounds Like A Lie - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lying, #deception, #catch-22, #accusation, #innocence, #guilt

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Tina: Now that everyone knows you are a liar, everything you say sounds like a lie. Dilbert: You starting assumption is wrong. I didn't lie about anything. Tina: That's exactly what liars say. Dilbert: Excuse me while I bang my head on this table until I pass out.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #memory, #notes, #forgetting, #reminder, #forgetfulness

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Dilbert: Can you review the project plan in the shared folder before Monday? Man: Absolutely. Dilbert: I don't see you making a note to remind you later. Man: I'll remember. Dilbert: How many other tasks are you trying to remember at the same time/ Man: About seventy. Dilbert: And yet you will remember this one? Man: Have some faith, Wally. Dilbert: My name is Dilbert. Man: What were we talking about?

Wally Works On Stealth Clothing

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Wally Works On Stealth Clothing - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #invisibility, #attendance, #deception, #laziness

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Boss: We won a bid to design stealth clothing for the military. Wally: Ooh! Ooh! I volunteer to work on that project. Boss: Um... okay. Narrator: One month later. Boss: Your attendance has been poor lately. Wally: Here's where I teach you about "reasonable doubt."

Work Until You Drop

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Work Until You Drop - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #health, #monitor, #fitbit, #energy, #surveillance, #wearable tech, #dedication, #work ethic

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Boss: Your health tracker says you are leaving work at the end of each day with energy to spare. That's exactly like stealing from the company. Dilbert: You want me to work until I drop? Boss: I'm not allowed to say that directly.

Let's Do The Meeting Later

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Let's Do The Meeting Later - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #fitbit, #health, #monitor, #wearable tech, #surveillance

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Dilbert: According to your employee health monitor, your lack of sleep last night is hampering your mental functions. Let's end the meeting and try again when your brain is working better. Man: I don't understand. Dilbert: That is consistent with the data.

Worthless Financial Projections

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Worthless Financial Projections - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #money, #finances, #big business, #projection, #prediction, #guessing, #estimate

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Dilbert: Here's the financial projection you asked me to do. It's basically just guessing plus math. Obviously, it's useless for making decisions because I can get any result I want by tweaking the assumptions. Boss: Don't say any of that stuff when you present it to the board tomorrow.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #antisocial, #goals, #achievement, #aspirations, #frustration, #reality

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Tina: Wally, do you have goals? Wally: My goal is to be an Olympic pole vaulter. Tina: You don't look... Wally: Sporty? Tina: I was going to say healthy. Wally: That's why Olympic pole vaulting is my goal> I wouldn't need a goal to do something easy. Tina: Are you training for it? Wally: No. Tina: You're living in a fantasy world! You'll never get to the Olympics! I can't sit here and listen to this. Dilbert: Looks like you accomplished your goal. Wally: Thanks for noticing.

Insurance For Phones

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Insurance For Phones  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cell phone, #technology, #insurance, #break, #screen, #cracked

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Dilbert: The company that insures our mobile phone product is angry because 100 percent of our phones break in the first minute. They say it's a disaster and it is putting them out of business. What should I tell them? Boss: Tell them they should have gotten some sort of insurance.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #artificial intelligence, #ai, #alexa, #echo, #google home, #personality, #psychology

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Dilbert: I made a huge breakthrough in artificial intelligence. Ask the device anything. Boss: What do you want for dinner? Device: I don't care. What do you want? Boss: I was thinking maybe Chinese food. Device: I'm not in the mood for that. Boss: Then why did you say you don't care?? Device: Now I'm not even hungry. Boss: Why? What's wrong? Device: Nothing is wrong. Boss: you nailed it.

You Heard A Rumor

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 You Heard A Rumor - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #consultaion, #insult, #rumor, #divulge source, #dating pillow, #co - workers

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Dogbert consults Dogbert: Nevre insult your co workers directly. The company would fire you for that. Instead say you heard a rumor but you can't divulge your source. Asok: that feels wrong. Dogbert: Someone told me your dating your pillow.