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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #culture of cycnicism, #cynicism, #happiness commitee, #improve morale, #negativism

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The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We must change our culture of cynicism and negativism." The Boss continues, "You two will be the 'Happiness Committee.' Come up with some ideas to improve morale." Dilbert and Wally sit at a desk together. Dilbert says, "So far we've got: 1) Raises, 2) Slap-The-Boss Day and 3) Nude Fridays." Wally says, "I feel my cynicism melting away already."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #quality school, #quality black master, #title metaphoric, #breakout session, #pre course reading

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The Boss tells Wally, "After I graduate from 'Quality School' I'll be a quality black-belt master." Wally asks, "Is the title metaphoric, or is there a chance you'll be beaten senseless during a breakout session?" The Boss slices the air with his hands as if he were practicing karate and thinks, "Zip zip zip zip." The Boss hits Wally and knocks him to the floor. Wally asks, "Was that necessary?" The Boss replies, "I'm not sure. I haven't done the pre-course reading yet."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #upgarde, #product design, #overheat, #big picture, #no benefits, #over heating, #sales are strong, #end civilization

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The Boss tells Dilbert, "I made an upgrade to your product design." He hands Dilbert a document. Dilbert says, "This would make the product overheat." The Boss says, "Let's try to look at the big picture." Dilbert reads the document and says, "Okay . . . Let's see . . . Your upgrade has no benefits and it costs more." Dilbert continues, "The overheating would start office fires and put all of our customers out of business." Dilbert continues, "If our sales are strong, we could create economic chaos and a global firestorm." Dilbert concludes, "Your 'upgrade' would destroy civilization as we know it." The Boss says, "Keep me informed." Back at home, Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dogbert asks, "So you're going to end civilization as we know it?" Dilbert replies, "I don't think I'll miss it, frankly."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #elbonian database, #payroll, #accounts receivable, #golf balls

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Dilbert and an Elbonian man sit at a conference table. The Elbonian says, "Our Elbonian database product can replace every one of your current systems." Dilbert says, "No thanks." The Elbonian tells Alice, "It can do payroll, accounts receivable, inventory, sales . . ." Alice says, "No thanks." The Elbonian tells the Boss, "And I'll throw in some golf balls." The Boss replies, "It's a deal! Just toss them in the lake with all my other ones."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #computer support, #elbonian data base, #expensive consultant, #five hundred dollars, #meeting, #business

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The Boss, Alice, Ratbert, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We're going to replace our computer support systems with the Elbonian database product." The Boss gestures toward Ratbert and continues, "It's risky, but don't worry. I've hired an outrageously expensive consultant who has never done this before." Ratbert says to Wally, "I earned five hundred dollars just coming to this meeting. How's YOUR day going?" Wally replies, "It won't make my top ten."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ratbert the consulatant, #existing computer, #new one, #new system, #devastating, #paid exactly the same

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Ratbert and Dilbert sit at a table. Ratbert says, ". . . Then we'll turn off the existing computer systems and fire up the new one." Dilbert asks, "What if the new system doesn't work on the first try? Won't the economic impact be devastating?" Ratbert says, "Let me check my contract . . . Nope. I get paid exactly the same." Dilbert says, "Yeah, same here."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #idiot boss, #move mouse pad, #mouse at end, #cursor, #moving desk, #need 800 upgrade, #dogbert tech support

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Dogbert answers the phone and says, "This is Dogbert. How may I abuse you?" The Boss sits at his desk and says into the telephone, "I need to move my cursor to the right but my mouse is at the edge of the mousepad." Dogbert asks, "Have you tried rebooting without saving your files?" The Boss replies, "Yeah, several times." Dogbert asks, "Have you tried moving your desk?" The Boss pushes his desk. The Boss says, "It didn't work." Dogbert says, "You need my $800 mousepad upgrade." The Boss asks Carol, "What account does this get charged to?" Carol replies, "'Idiot Expense,' just like everything else."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #million dollars, #ten thousand, #separate business cards, #value added support

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Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "You need a million dollars but I only have authority to sign for up to ten thousand." The Boss says, "Break it into a hundred separate business cases." Dilbert says, "Thank you for your value-added management support." The Boss replies, "It was nothing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #one hundred business cases, #level of approval

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Dilbert carries a stack of documents. He tells the Boss, "Per your instructions, my request for a million dollars has been broken into one hundred business cases." Dilbert continues, "Each one is for ten thousand dollars, which is your exact level of approval authority." The Boss says, "I meant I can approve anything UNDER ten thousand dollars . . . So if you wouldn't mind . . ." Dilbert replies, "Killing you? No, I wouldn't mind a bit."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #policies, #use prodcuts, #will to live, #new corporate policy, #not intended to punish

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Wally, Asok and the Boss sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Our new corporate policy is that all employees must use the products we sell." Asok screams and shouts, "What have we done to deserve this??!!!" Asok asks Wally, "So you're saying that many of these policies are NOT intended to be punishments?" Wally replies, "You get used to it after you lose your will to live."