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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #need approval, #business case, #wedge, #claim, #feel prodcutive, #when doomed

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Dilbert approaches an office door with paper spilling out of it. Dilbert says to Tom who is trapped in the stack of paper, "I need your approval on my business case, Tom." As he inserts his document into the stack, Dilbert says, "I'll wedge it in here so you can claim you never saw it when I ask about it next week." From underneath the pile Tom says, "Thanks." Dilbert walks away humming and thinking, "The weird part is that I can feel productive even when I'm doomed."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #marketings approval, #flex power, #useless data, #major stallion, #wife address

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Dilbert stands in front of a the Vice President of Marketing's desk. The VP reads a document and says, "I could give you marketing's approval right now . . ." The VP continues, "Or I could flex my vice presidential power and send you to gather more useless data . . . My ego would expand and I'd be a major stallion with my wife tonight." The VP asks Dilbert, "Do you think you can top that?" Dilbert replies, "Ill try, sir. What's your wife's address?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #sign, #business case, #web server, #crosses all deaportments, #every director, #evp, #ted griffin, #half eagle, #half lion

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Dilbert asks the Boss, "Who needs to sign my business case to buy a web server?" The Boss says, "Hmm . . . This crosses all departments. I fear it. Get the approval of every director, every VP, every EVP, plus Griffin." As Dilbert walks away he asks, "Do you mean Ted Griffin in finance or the mythical griffin beast that's half eagle, half lion?" The Boss answers, "Whichever is harder."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #accomplishments, #who gets raises, #lie about achievments, #favoritism, #minimizing accomplishments, #billion dollars, #impossible, #verify, #invisible rust, #gets raise, #three people

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The Boss tells Alice, Wally and Dilbert, "Write up your accomplishments so I can decide who gets raises this year." Wally asks, "Are you saying our raises will depend on our ability to lie about our achievements?" The Boss replies as he walks away, "No, there's also favoritism." Dilbert says, "And don't forget the importance of minimizing the accomplishments of others." Dilbert sits at his desk and types, "This year I saved a billion dollars in ways which are impossible to verify." Wally types, "While the others plotted against you, I was applying an invisible rust inhibitor to your car." Alice says to Wally and Dilbert, "I can drop those off for you." Dilbert says, "Thanks." Dilbert asks Wally, "Have you noticed she's the only one who ever gets a raise?" Wally replies, "It's as if she has the accomplishments of three people."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #interview successful people, #start with you, #alarm clock, #jello bed, #boy im tired, #ratbert, #Dogbert

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Dogbert sits on his pillow. Ratbert approaches him with a notebook and pen and says, "I'm going to interview successful people and write a book of their tips. I'll start with you, Dogbert." Ratbert writes in his notebook as Dogbert says, "Set your alarm clock to go off every hour. Keep a big vat of 'Jell-O' by the bed. When the alarm goes off, stick our head in the 'Jell-O' and yell, 'Boy, I'm tired!'" Ratbert walks away saying, "Thanks!" Dogbert thinks, "Beware the advice of successful people; they do not seek company."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #habits of highly defective people, #ignore signs, #belittle people, #newest team, #all complainers fault, #motivate me, #therapist, #controversial issues, #barney as mascot, #assembly line code, #prejudices, #crisp photo copy, #cpmics, #psychology

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The panel contains the title, "The Seven Habits of Highly Defective People." The caption says, "1. Ignore any signs of discomfort in others." The Boss sits across the table from a dusty skeleton and says, "But hey, I've been doing all of the talking." The caption says, "2. Use humor to belittle people in public." The Boss puts his arm around a man and tells Wally, "Our newest team member has movie star looks. Specifically, Lassie." Wally laughs. The caption says, "3. Treat all complaints as the complainer's fault." Dilbert says, "You don't motivate me." The Boss replies, "Maybe you should see a therapist." The caption says, "4. Show up late and raise controversial issues." The Boss walks into a meeting room and says, "I think we should license 'Barney' as our mascot." The caption says, "5. Give advice on things you don't understand." The Boss points to Dilbert's monitor and says, "Try writing some assembly line code here." The caption says, "6. Use compliments to show your prejudices." The Boss says to Alice, "Ooh, nice crisp photocopy, Alice. I don't think a man could have done it better!" The caption says, "7. Think the comics are not about you." The Boss reads the newspaper and says, "Hee hee! Look at the hair on that guy!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lots howard, #cubicle neigborr, #immortal soul, #laser printer, #dogbert doesn't care

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Wally says to Dilbert, "Allow me to introduce Loud Howard." Howard, a man with a huge mouth, shouts, "Hi!" Wally says, "I will make Loud Howard your cubicle neighbor in the new office unless you give me your immortal soul!!" Howard shouts, "Nice day!" Back at home, Dilbert and Dogbert lie on the couch. Dilbert says, ". . . Fortunately I convinced him to take my laser printer instead . . ." Trying to read a book, Dogbert says, "What did I say that sounded like 'Tell me about your day?'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #financial advisor, #sticks, #nuuities, #capital gains, #reduce income taxes, #give me money, #die a pauper

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A prospective client sits across from Dogbert's desk. Dogbert says, "Stocks . . . annuities . . . derivatives . . . capital gains tax . . ." Dogbert shouts, "It's all too confusing for you!! Give me all your money now or you'll die a pauper!! Now! Now!! Before interest rates fall!! As he signs a document, the client says, "Will this reduce my income taxes?" Dogbert says, "More than you might guess."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laptop computer, #upside down, #reboot, #etch -a - sketch

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As Dilbert and Wally walk by, the Boss asks, "My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help?" Dilbert holds an Etch-a-Sketch over his head and shakes it. He tells the Boss, "Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot." The Boss says, "Oh, that's right." Wally says to Dilbert as they walk away, "I wonder if he'll ever realize we gave him an 'Etch-a-Sketch.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #write objectives, #sculpt disparate pieces, #elegant tapestry, #business plan, #clay tapestry, #quote boss, #clueless

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The Boss, Wally, Alice and Dilbert sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "Each of you will write your objectives and give them to me." The Boss continues, "Then I will sculpt these disparate pieces of clay into an elegant tapestry which will be our business plan." Alice asks, "Our business plan will be like a clay tapestry?" The Boss says, "Feel free to quote me."