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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #apathy, #executives, #work ethic, #enginner, #no budget, #emailed, #ceo, #social network, #global supply chain

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Dilbert: So... you emailed our CEO and asked for funds to build a social network for our global supply chain. Dilbert: No one wants that, But it sounds good, so he moved all of our project funding to your dumb idea. and...you will produce nothing, Wally: said the engineer with no budget.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #costs compared to alternatives, #doing nothing, #expensive plan, #honesty, #managers & supervisors, #business

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The Boss says, "I can't sign off on this plan. It's too expensive." Man says, "You heard me say that doing nothing will end up costing you twice as much, right?" The Boss says, "Yes." Man says, "And you understand that this is your only alternative?" The Boss says, "I have another meeting. Maybe Dilbert can explain it to you." Dilbert says, "Um... okay. I'll try." Dilbert says, "My boss doesn't understand that costs should be compared to alternatives." Dilbert says, "Oh." Dilbert says, "Teamwork means you can't pick the side that's right."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #exhibitions, #honesty, #relations between the sexes, #chat me up, #mammary filter, #trade show, #free stuff, #job orders

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At the trade show Woman says, "Are you actually interested in this product or are you just trying to chat me up?" Dilbert says, "The show is too big to see everything, so I use a mammary filter to decide who I talk to." Woman says, "You use a what?" Dilbert says, "Do you have any free stuff or job offers?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #competition (psychology), #exhibitions, #barf bag, #consumer electronics show, #new product cooler than anything, #weighs an ounce

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Alice says, "I see you have your giant-sized barf bag. You must be going to the consumer electronics show." Dilbert says, "Yup." Dilbert says, "Every time I see a new product that is cooler than anything we're working on, I'll go to the bag." Man says, "And it only weight one ounce!" FOOMP!!! At the show

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #afterlife, #death & dying, #international economic integration, #secure a long term supply, #rare earth, #metal, #rare earth metals, #dying, #reincarnating, #20% chance, #born chinese

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The Boss says, "Our consultant will tell us how we can secure a long-term supply of rare earth metals for our products." The Boss says, "China has the most of the rare earth metals. Try dying. And reincarnating. There's a 20% chance that you'll be born Chinese." The Boss says, "What's plan B?" Dogbert says, "If the only part that goes wrong is the Chinese part, you can try dying again."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers & supervisors, #new server, #corrupt operating system, #bad server, #recover data, #reinstall, #redeploy it, #blindingly obvious, #alternative is chaos, #chaos as good, #business

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The Boss says, "Build a new server to replace the one with the corrupt operating system." Dilbert says, "That's what I'm doing right now." The Boss says, "Recover the data from the bad server and put it on the new one." Dilbert says, "That's the whole point." The Boss says, "Then see if you can reinstall the operating system on the old one and redeploy it." Dilbert says, "Do you have any instructions that are not blindingly obvious?" The Boss says, "This is called managing. The alternative is chaos." Dilbert says, "How did you just make chaos sound like a good thing?" The Boss says, "You should test the new server." Dilbert says, "Seriously, can we try the chaos thing?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #context, #contracts, #harvest organs, #holes in contract, #software contract, #signed contract, #holes in torso

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Company Lawyer Dilbert says, "I signed a software contract without getting your input because I was in a hurry." Dilbert says, "Now the software company claims they can harvest my organs." Dilbert says, "Do you see any holes in their contract?" Lawyer says, "They mention holes... in the context of your torso."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #contracts, #lawyers, #surgery, #software server, #too confusing, #normal human, #comprehension, #cost eefective, #involve atorneys, #deal so small, #medical

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Dilbert says, "Your software services contract is too confusing for any normal human to comprehend." Dilbert says, "And it wouldn't be cost- effective to involve our attorneys for a deal so small." Dilbert says, "So I'll just take chance and sign it." Man says, "Doc... scrub in. I got the liver."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lying, #budget meeting, #cfo, #precious budget dollars, #competeing, #dots are staffed, #professional liars, #call marketing, #finace

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The Boss says, "I have a budget meeting tomorrow with our CFO." The Boss says, "I'll be competing against all of the other departments for precious budget dollars." The Boss says, "This won't be easy because all of the other departments are staffed with professional liars." Dilbert says, "That's a bit of an exaggeration, don't you think?" The Boss says, "What do you call marketing?" Dilbert says, "Okay, I'll give you that one." The Boss says, "Sales?" Dilbert says, "Right, but..." The Boss says, "P.R.?" Dilbert says, "Well, yes..." The Boss says, "Finance?" Dilbert says, "I forgot about that one." The Boss says, "Legal?" Dilbert says, "Wow." The Boss says, "Do the next one yourself." Dilbert says, "How about human resour... you win."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #office buildings, #work ethic, #new cubicles, #death eater gray, #soul sponge, #absorb happiness, #fear of the unknown

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Office relocation Tina says, "Your new cubicles will be a color called 'death eater gray.'" Tina says, "The fabric is a soul sponge that will absorb your happiness if you stand hear it." The Boss says, "How'd the meeting go?" Tina says, "Well, you know, fear of the unknown." Office Relocation