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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #users want, #supply and emnad, #idiot, #managing, #work harder, #earn less money, #fire me, #obvious things

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The Boss says, "Find out what the users want before your build it." Dilbert says, "Why are you explaining my job to me as if I'm an idiot?" The Boss says, "It's called managing." The Boss says, "I assume you're dumb because you work harder than I do and earn less money." The Boss says, "And my boss would fire me if I just sat in my office and did nothing." The Boss says, "So I wander around and say obvious thing to you idiots until quitting time." The Boss says, "Then I go home and eat until my underpants don't fit." The Boss says, "Thanks for asking."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #seminar, #teach, #make millions, #scam, #seminar name, #crush hopes, #dreams, #bitter and broken, #nominal fee, #invest, #100 to one million

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Asok says, "I'm going to a seminar that will teach me how to make a million dollars!" Alice says, "It's a scam." Asok says, "How could you know that?" Asok says, "I haven't even told you the name of the seminar!" Asok says, "You can't be sure it is a scam if you know none of the details." Asok says, "You just want to crush my hopes so I become like you." Asok says, "But it won't work because I have dreams! I won't be a bitter and broken cynic like you two!" Asok says, "I'll have the last laugh after I pay my nominal fee and learn how to 'Turn a Hundred Dollars Into a Million.'" Dogbert says, "invest $100 at 5% interest and wait 190 years. Thanks for coming."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #finished contract, #miocene epoch, #hoof fossil, #signature, #rushed

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A lawyer says, "I just finished a contract I started during the Miocene epoch." The lawyer says, "...Assuming this hoof fossil is a signature." The lawyers says, "These things can't be rushed."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #genius, #scheduled, #four oclock, #judeg, #accomplishments, #offcie, #taught better

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The Boss says, "Wally, where do you think you're going?" The Boss says, "It's only four o'clock." Wally says, "What a strange thing to say. Did anyone care how many hours a week Beethoven worked?" Wally says, Genius can't be scheduled." Wally says, "Judge my by my accomplishments, not the number of hours I spend at the office." The Boss says, "Okay, fine. What did you accomplish today?" Wally says, "I just taught you how to be a better manager." Wally says, "What? Did you think it was going to happen on its own?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #no budget, #raise, #quit, #job refernce, #work again, #manipulate, #harrasment

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The Boss says, "Alice, there's no budget to give you a raise, but I'll give you something that is just as good." The Boss says, "I promise that if you quit on me I will give you a bad reference and you will never work again." Alice says, "How is that just as good as a raise?" The Boss says, "Try to see it from my point of view."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #adopting best practices, #industry, #mediocrity, #mediocre, #practices

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The Boss says, "We will be adopting the best practices in our industry, just like everyone else." Dilbert says, "If everyone is doing it, best practices is the same thing as mediocre." The Boss says, "STOP MAKING MEDIOCRITY SOUND BAD!" Dilbert says, "Sorry."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #evil director, #human resources, #mandatory stretch, #employee welness, #good and flexible, #new place, #tuck your head, #business

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert says, "We're instituting a mandatory stretch period every day." Asok says, "This is surprising because human resources usually doesn't care about employee wellness." Catbert says, "Phase one is just to get you good and flexible. Phase two involves a new place to tuck your head."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #fortune, #personally negotiating, #contract, #new era system, #several components, #software, #hardware, #engineering

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The Boss says, "I saved a fortune by personally negotiating the contract for our new ERP system." Dilbert says, "You bought outdated hardware and forgot several components that are required." Dilbert says, "And I like software with my hardware, but that's just me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #impossible task, #forbidden powers, #third arm, #lost intellectual curiosity

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Asok thinks, "My task is impossible unless I use my forbidden powers." Asok thinks, "Would anyone notice if I had a third arm for a few hours?" Wally says, "I lost my intellectual curiosity just in time."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #worked around clock, #ten programmers, #establish new baseline, #tragic death march, #stretch golas, #stupid

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Asok says, "I worked around the clock and finished a project that would normally require ten programmers." Asok says, "Um... did I just establish a new baseline expectation that will turn my job into a tragic death march?" The Boss says, "It's time to set some stretch goals." Asok says, "STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!"