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I have finished my projects. What's next? "Make a spreadsheet and track something." "Track what?" "I think you'll find that it doesn't matter."

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"Just because my head is an ashtray, that doesn't mean I can't be a good manager." "Ask me any question and I will show you my managerial talent." "The answer is six bags of potatoes!" "May I ask the question first?"

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"Asok, I need you to create a PowerPoint presentation that will save our department from being eliminated." "You must quantify the unquantifiable. And that can only be done by a process that I call lying." "Lying is a process?" "It can be, if you use enough slides."

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I need to quantify the benefits of our department. Any ideas? "I recommend dishonesty." "Would that work?" "It made me the man I am today."

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Catbert: Evil director of human resources "I hired two people to work on your project." "One is a mumbler and the other one is hard of hearing but doesn't know it." "Mmmm, afterglow."

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"E-mail me with your comments on the design." "Can't I just tell you my comments now?" "I need it in writing because you're a huge liar and you'll change your story later." "And I might punch you for not shaving the back of your neck." "Well then, e-mail it is."

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Tags #business meeting, #cup of water, #not impressed, #fill sink, #bring own cup, #not impressive, #optics

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Customer: I'd like to do business with your company, but I'm concerned that the only beverage you can afford to offer me is water from the restroom sink... and I need to bring my own cup. Dilbert: I also offered to fill the sink and let you lap it out. Customer: And now I'm thirsty!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #banking, #international bank, #bail out, #treasury, #feral, #money, #countries

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Elbonian: Is this Dogbert's International Bank for Bailing Out Countries That Are Bad at Math? Dogbert: Yes. Elbonian: Our treasury is empty and we're not sure why. The entire country is becoming sort of feral. Dogbert: How much money do you need? Elbonian: No more than $85.

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Tags #computer software, #managers & supervisors, #budget, #work monitoring software, #calendar, #year 2040, #square boxes, #business

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Boss: I don't have a budget for the network monitoring software you need, so you'll have to write it yourself. Dilbert: Good plan. I'll check back with you when I'm done doing that. What's your calendar look like in the year 2040? Boss: Sort of a grid with square boxes.

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Tags #amphibians, #honesty, #inefficient, #design, #aquarium owner, #turtle, #filtration system

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Dilbert: This design would be inefficient. Coworker: How do you know that? Dilbert: Sometimes it's better if the aquarium owner doesn't explain to the turtle how the filtration system works.