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Boss: And I need it by next week. Dilbert: I will devote 3.7% of my energy to it. I can give you more if you do your job of setting priorities for my 27 projects. Boss: Can't you set the priorities? Dilbert: Sure. This one just went to 1.7%.
Boss: You remind me of another young person I hired years ago. She was full of hope and optimism and she wore a permanent smile. Her name was Alice. As time passed, she devolved into an angry, hateful creature. No one knows what caused it. Interviewee: How long did it take? Boss: About a week. Interviewee: Apparently, you're a monster who creates a toxic workplace and you lack the self-awareness to realize it! Boss: Someone broke your record. Alice: Shut up.
Boss: Today I learned that the secret of good managing is hiring people who are smarter than I am. Maybe I'll try that next time.
CEO: Experts say we need to empower employees with "values." So I guess we need some values, whatever the heck those are. Boss: I think it's like "Don't run with scissors." CEO: Let's start with that and see if they stop asking for raises.
Dilbert: I can't wait to see the changes I asked you to make on the interface. Our last meeting was two months ago. You must be finished by now. Coworker: I haven't started yet. I had a few questions. I figured I'd ask you about them the next time we talked. In the meantime I only did work for people who yelled at me every day. Micromanagement has a bad reputation, but I'm not too proud to say I need it. Dilbert: Okay... well, I'm optimistic that you can make those changes for me by next week. Coworker: I probably should have asked my questions.
CEO: The CEO of Apple says a leader should admit when he's wrong. That won't work for me because I'm never wrong. The best I can do is admit when other people are wrong. Boss: That sort of misses the point. CEO: Well, I humbly admit you're wrong.
CEO: Shakespeare said some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em. I wonder which one I am. Catbert: Some steal from shareholders and call it greatness. CEO: Greatness of the fourth kind.
Dilbert: Should we buy the maintenance plan or just take our chances? What do you prefer? Boss: I prefer to punish you for buying the maintenance plan and going over budget, but I also don't mind firing you for not buying it if we later need it. Which one of us has a better job?
Dilbert: Studies show that companies with a high level of trust in employees also perform the best. Boss: If you ever start performing well, I'll trust you, too. Dilbert: This didn't go the way I hoped. Boss: What kind of scam are you trying to pull?
The Boss: Did everyone read about how to improve our communication? Dilbert: Was it a long rambling email that stumbled from one barely coherent point to another? The Boss: That one must have been from someone else. Dilbert: Good because I didn't read it.