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The Boss says, "Does anyone know the root cause of our project's failure?" Dilbert says, "I'm a determinist, so I'd have to say the problem goes back to the origin of the universe." The Boss says, "Why are you like this?" Dilbert says, "My cubicle destroyed my illusion of free will."
The Boss says, "Your resume is lame, but you're tall, so you must be competent." The Boss says, "You're hired. Let me show you around." The Boss says, "I'm what you call a good judge of people."
Carol says, "Where are you going with that fish?" Wally says, "I'm going to microwave it." Carol says, "That will stink up the office and make it impossible for anyone else to enjoy life." Carol says, "Isn't there something else you could eat?" Wally says, "I'm not going to eat it. I just like to microwave things that smell bad." Wally says, "After I stopped caring about my job performance, it was a slippery slope to complete sociopathy." Wally says, "It's a liberating feeling. I can't remember the last time I felt bad." Carol says, "Do you have an extra fish?"
The Boss says, "Your project is not sexy." The Boss says, "I'm transferring all of your funding to a project that totally arouses me." The Boss says, "That's something they don't cover in business school."
Dilbert says, "I call my invention a carbicle." Dilbert says, "It's 50% car, 50% cubicle, and 100% awesome." Dilbert says, "it is the ultimate expression of human efficiency." Dilbert says, "Rarely does an engineer get to create something so perfect that it can never me improved." Dilbert says, "I hesitate to use the word 'genius,' but I won't protest if others do." Dogbert says, "You should cram a bed in there." Dilbert says, "Shut up." Dogbert says, "You shut up."
The Boss says, "Our investors want to see the solar panels you invented." Dilbert says, "I didn't invent any solar panels." The Boss says, "Show them something else. They won't know the difference." A man says, "It looks like a ham sandwich." Dilbert says, "I was assured that you're stupid."
An Elbonian says, "A corporate raider has offered to buy our company for nine dollars." Another Elbonian says, "We should ask for more." The first Elbonian says, "He's a tough negotiator." The first Elbonian says, "Now it's only eight dollars?" Dogbert says, "And I want you to do something in your hat."
Wally is the new VP of Finance A troll says, "I moved all of our cash to a secret offshore bank." The troll says, "But I forgot to write down the account number. Or the password. Or the name of the country." The troll says, "And... I'm not entirely sure it was a bank." Wally thinks, "First day, not so good."
A man says, "Hi, I'm a customer of your commercial sales division." "The man says, "I heard you would be the best person to answer a technical question..." Dilbert says, "I don't work in that division." The man says, "I know. It's just a quick question." Dilbert says, "If I tell you something different from what the commercial division tells you, I'll get in trouble." Dilbert says, "But I'll also get in trouble for not helping a customer." Dilbert says, "My safest course of action is to fake my own death." The man says, "You're a bad actor." Dilbert says, "It isn't polite to insult the dead."