Know Every Tragedy Comic Strips - Page 95

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #vendor list, #excuses, #same excuses, #password, #palusible, #changed

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"Wally, do you have the approved vendor list?" "It's on the net. The password is 'Wally.'" "Hmm, you always say information is on the net when I know it's not. Yet, by mentioning a password it sounds plausible." "So, first I'll find out that the password has changed. Then I'll find out the list is out of date. What am I forgetting?" "User name."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #accounting system, #profitable, #manage randomlt, #claim success, #funding, #hug

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"Our accounting system is so inaccurate that we don't know how profitable anything is." "It's so bad that you could manage randomly and claim success no matter what happens." "I was looking for funding, not a hug."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #career day, #questions, #careers, #connected dots, #generational

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Career Day The Boss: ...and thats why you should have a pre meeting before every meeting. any questions? Girl: how long will my generation need to work? The Boss: Sixty years. I see that you've connected the dots.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #gerbil, #marketing team, #cables, #engineering support

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Ted: I moved the meeting to Tuesday. Dilbert: "I can't make it on Tuesday." " Ted: Somehow I think the marketing team can survive one meeting without engineering support." Marketing team: "We'll include a pet gerbil in every box. We'll just need to make sure it's in a sealed plastic bag so it won't chew on the cables."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #day off, #gerbil, #heartless, #horrible person, #insensitive, #mean, #sisters weight, #toss in casket, #twin sister death

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Carol: "I need a day off to attend my twin sister's funeral." The Boss: "A whole day? How well did you know her?" Carol: "She.. was.. my... twin." The Boss: "But not identical!" Carol: "How does that matter?" The Boss: "Well, she didn't even look like you." The Boss: "And yet you want a whole day off for a service that takes fifteen minutes." Carol: "Gaa! It would be impossible to be more insensitive!" The Boss: "I'll compromise. My pet gerbil is on his last legs. I'll give you the day off if you toss him in the casket so I don't have to bury him myself." Carol: "When do you think it will die?" The Boss: "Depends. How much does your sister weigh?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boss's boss, #misinformed, #mismanaged, #oss confused, #poorly managed, #dont communicate

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wally: "Gaaa! Our boss's is coming!" Dilbert: "Where?" Zoop "Uh oh." "Hello, head count." Dilbert: "I need to run, tons of work." "Why? Are you poorly managed?" Dilbert: "No, we have everything we need! Everything is perfect." "So... was your boss confused, lying or misinformed when he asked me for more funding for your budget?" Dilbert: "Noooo! Ignore me! I don't know anything." "Hmm." "Dilbert says you don't communicate with the staff and don't need money." Dilbert: "Phew! I'm glad that's over."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boss, #closes door, #hobby, #hurting boss, #leaves office

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Wally: "Every time our pointy haired boss leaves his office, I sneak in and seal an air hole." "I'm trying to see if he'll suffocate when he closes his door." "I've never had a hobby before. I can see why people like them."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #competitors, #tired, #unfocused, #pester, #endless series, #charity request, #employee birthday parties, #blood drives, #can't focus

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dogcart: "I can make your competitors tired and unfocused." "I'll pester them with an endless series of charity requests, employee birthday parties and blood drives." "I know it works because they paid me to do it to you." The boss: "So... tired... can't... focus..."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lisa, #woman, #happy owman, #nice woman, #engineers liked, #appaorachable, #cubicle, #gifts, #poems, #Food, #replacing

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The Boss: "Now Dilbert will explain what went wrong with our projects this year." DILBERT: "All of our problems were caused by a woman named Lisa." "Lisa never learned to act aloof and unapproachable. Sometimes she smiles and men she doesn't even know." "Gasp." "Gasp." "As you know, 90% of engineers are lonely men." "A permanent line formed outside her cubicle." "The engineers brought her food, gifts and poems that weren't as funny as they'd hoped." "Food, Gifts, Poems (bad)." "I recommend replacing Lisa with someone more like this." Alice: "What's THAT supposed to mean?" Asok: "My poems aren't funny?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #selling confidential data base, #customer information, #profitable, #virtually untectable, #highly unethical, #modern times, #facebook, #commercial, #branding

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The Boss: Did you ever think about selling our confidential data-base of customer information? It would be massively profitable while virtually undetectable, Catbert: But highly unethical. The boss: I don't know you any more. Catbert: Im yanking your chain . when do we start?