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"Wally, how do you cope with the soul-crushing futility of this job?" "One day I realized that sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." "What got into you?"

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"I want to debate with people on the Internet but I worry that I'm not smart enough." "Maybe I'll just read what the smart people are saying." "Okay, I'm in."

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Wally in Marketing "We'll need a name for this product." "What do you call something that just occupies space and smells bad?" "What was your name again?" "I don't like where this is heading."

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I just saw Mort in his cubicle. I think he's...dead. "I noticed that yesterday." "And you didn't say anything???! Were you thinking he's just as dead tomorrow and someone else can do the paperwork?" "Wait. That's pretty good thinking..." "I was proud of it."

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I need some data from an unreachable guy named Ed. What should I do? "Just make up a bunch of data like everyone else does." "Everyone else does that?" "Are you doubting my data?"

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"They're filming a movie downtown. I just saw Brad Pitt!" "That's nothing." "I once used too much fake tanning spray and the next thing I knew, Brad and Angelina adopted me." "You're saying Angelina Jolie is your mom?" "Until I talked her out of bottle feeding."

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"When I was a kid, we didn't have any cell phones, iPods, video games, or computers." "I played outside. My only toy was tree bark." "Were you raised by squirrels?" "No, I'm just mature."

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I've been trying for six months to solve this engineering problem. It might be impossible. "Just turn it sideways and it will fit perfectly." "Okay...Now I have to kill you."

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "Every absence counts as one 'occurrence' whether it is one day or more." "I just got a headache. I'll see you in a year. Or as I like to call it, one occurrence." "If something is worth having, it's worth abusing."

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I need your comments on this before I submit it. "Just leave it here and hope I become the sort of boss who gets around to doing that sort of thing." "Did someone tell you that hope works?"