New System Comic Strips - Page 95
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Dilbert: Time has stopped until my boss gives me the bad news that he hinted was coming. Maybe I'll use the time to invent a new language and grow a beard. An Eternity later Dilbert: EE_YO NEBABA WANPONU GREP> The boss: I forgot why I wanted to talk to you.
"Product designer" "The new product is selling like crazy, thanks to it's great design." "Sales" "It's so attractive that people over look its minor flaws in functionality." "For example, it accuses the user of sex crimes whenever company comes over." "And it's cute!"
Dogbert: My wealth - building system has been verified by actual scientists. Dogbert: where can I find an unethical scientist? And if Im to busy, my human clone can do your infomercial. Dogbert: good prices.
Wally: Is it okay if I take on five new projects and ten deliverables? The Boss: um....okay. My motivational email messages are working, Alice: Can you help... Wally: whoa! don't know how many projects I have?
Wally: "When I was your age, Asok, I too sought the thrill of victory and the pleasure of the flesh." "But after twenty years of not getting either one, I made convenience my new mistress." "You know why I like talking to you?" Asok: "Because I am a good listener?" "No, because you're here."
Wally, Dilbert, the Boss, and others are in a meeting. The Boss introduces the woman next to him to the group. The Boss says, "Patty is our new 'process manager.'" The Boss continues, "Patty doesn't know how to DO anything." He adds, "She only knows how to do things BETTER!" Patty raises a finger, "Process!" Patty says, "For example, this meeting is poorly managed because you have no process." Patty, turning to Asok, continues, "And this intern obviously had no process for deciding whether to attend." The Boss raises his hand. He addresses the group, "Okay, Patty is annoying. All in favor of getting rid of her." The entire group, except for Patty, raises their hands. Asok looks like he's going to strangle her. As they all leave the meeting behind the dejected Patty, Dilbert says to her, "You lasted longer than Timmy the 'Facilitator.'"
The boss reads from a piece of paper in a meeting. The boss says, "The new policy from our CEO bans coffee from cubicles." The boss says, "Because he says, "It causes a distraction" and can "mess up desks." Dilbert says, "How did..." Alice says, "Hold it Dilbert." Wally says, "It's Alice's turn." Alice says, "You get the next easy one." Wally says, "Make us proud." Alice says, "Ahem, ahem" Alice says, "How did he become ceo..." Alice stands and says, "...if he's too stupid to drink coffee and work at the same time?" The boss says, "Our CEO also discussed unnecessary expenses." Wally says, to Dilbert, "Lucky!" Dilbert says, "Ahem."
The Boss: How do I make this software schedule one persons to two task at the same time? I can write a patch that inserts new months in the timeline. The Boss: and the second task is due on the fifteenth of Floopuary.
Dogbert: My stock-picking software needs more features. "I think I'll add a module that claims to make hair grow on bald guys. I'll first test it on a rat." Ratbert: "I feel a new one on my buttocks!" Dogbert: "That's all the proof I need."
The Boss: Tina, this is your new supervisor, Nelson. You'll be training him to be your boss. The Boss: There won't be any bonuses this year because i gave it all to nelson. he's a man, sio he needs to support a family. Nelson: Im gay The Boss: Um....civil union and adoption, right? Nelson: Im dating a rugby team.