One Condition Comic Strips - Page 95
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Catbert: The number one complaint from employees is 'unclear objectives.' The Boss: My number one complaint is that it takes too much effort for me to be clear. Catbert: Lets call it a tie. The bossL what are they so selfish?
The Boss: "Our revenue is now double the number of people that our product has killed recently." Asok: "Our product costs $80. Are you saying that each one kills 40 people?" The Boss: "Our customers know the health risks, so technically they're killing themselves." Group: "So technically we aren't scum?"
"My company is selling gigantic, shard-filled doughnuts with forty thousand calories apiece." "It's based on Dogbert's theory that people are pleasure-seeking morons." "How does it taste?" "Delicious! I have one for you strapped to my car"
"You can't resist the shard-filled ultra-doughnuts even though you know the hazards." "Mmph" "Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure." "Now, rationalize your decision, you mindless pink robot!" "I'm only having one."
Wally: "When I was your age, Asok, I too sought the thrill of victory and the pleasure of the flesh." "But after twenty years of not getting either one, I made convenience my new mistress." "You know why I like talking to you?" Asok: "Because I am a good listener?" "No, because you're here."
Alice: I didn't like the way he was looking at me. The Boss: "This isn't good." "He was the only stock analyst who had a "buy" recommendation on our company." Alice: "I think we're a "hold" now." The Boss: "Where will we find another one with so much conflict of interest??!"
"I wasn't getting any responses to my online resume until I inserted some key words." "I said I'm strangely attracted to older, chubby, married men with coffee-stained teeth." "That is wrong on so many levels." "Explain that to my six thousand job offers."
The Boss brings a Big Dumb Guy to Alice's desk. He says, "Alice, I'd like you to work with this big dumb guy." The Boss continues, "He doesn't know he's dumb. So he'll tell people you're dumb if you ever disagree." The Boss: "He's also lazy and a habitual liar." Alice shouts, "Then why do you let him work here?!" The Boss explains, "He has an excellent track record. No one knows why." In front of the Boss and Alice, the Big Dumb Guy bends over and picks up the document that Alice was working on from her desk. Big Dumb Guy shows Alice's document to the Boss. Big Dumb Guy says, "Look what I just did." The Boss responds, "Excellent work." Alice is flabbergasted. The Boss tries to console Alice, who is furious, with "Remember Alice, you're never too old to learn."
Wally and Dilbert are walking down the hall. Dilbert says, "There's Ted. He never sent me the information he promised." Wally and Dilbert stop when they come up to Ted. Dilbert asks, "Why have you ignored my request, Ted?" Ted says, "I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels." Wally tells Dilbert, that "He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie." Dilbert screams, "I demand a PLAUSIBLE lie!" Ted responds, "Okay, maybe I WASN'T killed by giant military squirrels." Ted continues, "But I WAS imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth." Wally and Dilbert are walking away. Wally: "You can't prove that one either way." Dilbert: "He did say it was a "secret" lair."