Don't Shoot Messenger Comic Strips - Page 96

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #work, #project, #change, #angry, #frustrated, #stupidity

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The Boss says, "I made some improvements to your drawings and sent them for fabrication." Dilbert says, "Gaaa!!!" The boss says, "But don't worry - I left your name on them so you'll get all of the credit." Dilbert says, "Waaaa!!!" The boss says, "You don't handle good news very well." Dilbert says, "Shoot me! Shoot me! Shoot me!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #money, #investing, #con, #violence, #lying

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Man says, "I'm thinking of investing in the Dogbert hedge fund." Man says, "Can you explain how it works?" Dogbert says, "It's simple I take your money and then use math to turn it into my money while destroying the overall economy." Man says, "Is that legal?" Dogbert says, "More so than you'd think." Man says, "What's in it for me?" Dogbert says, "My inflated claims will give you false hope." Dogbert says, "That way you won't stress out until after you retire and discover you're penniless." Man says, "But I..." Bonk! Ugh! Man says, "I don't remember the last five minutes." Dogbert says, "I was telling you that my hedge fund will earn you 520% per year."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dating, #flirting, #yelling, #scared, #confused, #relationships

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Dilbert says, "I have an actual job and I don't live at home." Dilbert says, "My offspring would probably be smart." Woman says, "My palms are getting sweaty and my heart is pounding. What is going on?" Dilbert says, "It's a Darwinian thing." Woman says, "Make it stop!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #stupidity, #ignorant, #cruel, #clueless, #angry, #yelling

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The boss says, "I hired a temp to cover your job while you're on vacation." The boss says, "She's far more qualified than you, and her stated goal is to replace you but don't worry." Carol says, "How am I supposed to not worry about that?" The Boss says, "yoga?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #budget, #coffee, #suggestion, #anger, #firing, #meeting, #business

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the boss says, "I need ideas on how we can cut spending." Wally says, bring back free coffee." the boss says, "That's the opposite of cutting spending." Wally says, "It seems that way if you're short sighted." Wally says, "When I buy my own coffee, I don't drink as much." Wally says, "That make me less alert and about half as productive." Wally says, "If you give me free coffee, you can fire Ted and come out ahead." Wally says, "I rest my case." The boss says, "I'm sorry Ted. Wally makes a compelling argument." zzz

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #pay, #economy, #nervous, #crazy

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Catbert says, "Asok, we need to cut your pay again. But maybe you could get a second job." Asok the intern says, "Second???" Asok the intern says, "I am already doing freelance I.T. support?and donating blood?and working as a male escort." Catbert says, "I don't need the details." Asok the intern says, "Running guns...Robbing graves...Starting a hedge fund..."`

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #clones, #duplicates, #confusion

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Dilbert says, "What the??" Dilbert says, "Don't be surprised." Dilbert says, "In any large company there is at least one employee who is your exact replica and has the same assignment." Dilbert says, "Why didn't I know that?" Dilbert says, "I'm not your replica. I'm a look-alike that is much smarter."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #meeting, #eating, #customers, #angry, #business

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Wally says, "Thanks for coming on short notice. I called this meeting because?" Wally says, "?Company policy allows me to order donuts for any meeting that includes customers." Wally says, "I don't work on commission."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Environment, #clothes, #ridiculous, #ridicule

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Dogbert says, "Yikes!" Dilbert says, "Don't be frightened by my green clothing." Dilbert says, "I'll be working at home today. Thus reducing carbon emissions." Dilbert says, "My telepresence meeting will only display me from here up." Dilbert says, "By reducing the amount of material in my garment I can use less soap and water on laundry day." Dilbert says, "And the extra freedom of movement will allow me to mouse more efficiently." Dogbert says, "This has to stop. I'll be back in a few minutes." Dilbert says, "Did you use my shaver?" Dogbert says, "Yes, and I will trim myself daily until you start dressing right."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #meeting, #criticism, #economy, #budget, #anger, #business

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The boss says, "The economy is circling the drain. I need each of you to take a 10% cut in pay." Asok the intern says, "I don't have much cushion in my budget. Yesterday I boiled my shoelaces for dinner." The boss says, "Remind me not to accept any dinner invitations to your house." Asok the intern says, "Don't worry!"