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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #incredulous ed, #inventing words, #what?!, #answers with questions, #annoying, #new hire, #dumb guy

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The Boss brings a new employee to introduce to Dilbert. The Boss says, "Dilbert, I'd like you to meet incredulous Ed." The Boss continues, "No matter what question you ask him, he'll act as if you are inventing words." Dilbert turns to Ed and asks, "Do you have a family?" Ed replies, "Do I have a WHAT??"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new motto, #dance hurts, #love money, #work when people watch, #read contract, #assign mottos, #Dilbert, #Dogbert

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Dilbert sits on the couch. Dogbert sits next to him and says, "This will be your new motto..." Dogbert continues, "Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching." Dilbert says, "You can't assign mottos to me." Dogbert replies, "You'd better read your contract."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #expectations, #16 hours a aday, #make tired, #workers, #demands boss, #workers not listening

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The Boss announces, "I expect everyone to work sixteen hours a day." Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at the conference table. Dilbert says, "It seems like that would make us tired." Dilbert turns to Wally and asks, "Wouldn't that make you tired?" Wally replies, "I wasn't listening."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #leave work early, #doctor appt, #female issues, #get out of work, #worked, #80 hour week, #boss, #zombie

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Alice is leaving the office with her briefcase and her jacket. The Boss stands with his hands on his hips in the doorway behind her and says, "It looks like someone is leaving early." Alice turns and replies, "I started at 5 a.m. and I've already worked eighty hours this week." The Boss looks at her and says, "SO?" Alice replies, "I have a doctor's appointment...for female..." as the Boss puts his hands to his ears and yells, "No details! Go Go Go!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #writing code, #doing job, #excellent benefits, #package, #eating sandwhich, #crime pays, #working, #other compnay, #stolen sandwhich

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Wally and Dilbert sit in the breakroom eating lunch with a co-worker. The co-worker says, "I spend all day writing code for another company while it looks like I'm doing my job here." The co-worker pauses from eating a sandwich and says, "Crime pays, and it also has an excellent benefits package." Wally looks at his co-worker and says, "Are you eating my sandwich?" The co-worker answers, "I'm saving mine for dinner."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #electrician, #fix furnace, #invention, #plumber, #roofer, #space time continuum, #carpenter, #fix furnace 1991

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Dogbert stands on a stool watching as Dilbert fixes what looks like a time machine. Dilbert says, "My invention will let me search the service industry's space-time continuum." Dilbert is seen in the machine travelling through a galaxy with several floating workmen. Dilbert says, "Plumber, roofer, carpenter, electrician." Dilbert stops and looks at one worker and says, "Weren't you supposed to fix my furnace in 1991?" The worker replies, "You're my next house."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #donut head, #face, #hole, #hole in head, #man is brief, #no face, #real no brainer, #resume, #blank paper

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The Boss sits at his desk with a piece of paper in front of him and says, "Frankly, the job is a real no-brainer." A person with a huge hole in their head sits in front of the desk as the Boss continues, "Your resume is a blank piece of paper. I like a man who can be brief." The man with the hole in his head sits between Wally and Dilbert. Wally is eating a donut and coffee. Wally turns to the man and says, "You're ruining my donut experience."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dinner, #socially defective brain, #voicemail, #speakerphone

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Ron is sitting at his desk, using speakerphone to listen to his messages. The voice mail service is heard aloud, "Press one to hear." Alice approaches from behind and asks, "Why are you using your speakerphone for voice-mail?" She continues, annoyed, "I mean, seriously, what is going through that socially defective brain of yours?" Ron responds, "Would you like to have dinner?" To which Alice's answer is, "Yeah, why not."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #total sociopath, #rifle through purse, #call me, #ring once, #robbed, #date, #hug, #robbery

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Alice and Ron are saying their goodbyes next to Ron's car. They're headed towards an embrace. Alice says, "You're a total sociopath, Ron. I like that in a man." As they're hugging, Ron's hand is in Alice's purse. She cries, "Oh yes, rifle through my purse! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Ron heads back to his car. Alice calls after him, "Call me?" Ron responds while counting the money he's just stolen from her, "Sure. But you'd better wait by the phone; I only ring once."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #busy work, #cubicle, #nice day, #took root, #man into tree

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Dibert is sitting in his chair, facing a standing coworker. Dilbert says, "Okay... I think we're done here. Lots of work to do. Busy, busy, busy." The coworker begins to shake and transform. Branches sprout from his head and arms and his lower body becomes a tree stump. Dilbert is unaffected. He says, "I'll talk to you later. Have a nice day. Bye-bye. Thanks." The coworker has mutated into a full tree. Wally leans over the cubicle wall and says to Dilbert, "Looks like someone took root in your cubicle." Dilbert, now facing his computer and still unaffected, only says, "Bye-bye."