Stock Holder Meeting Comic Strips - Page 96
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Share May 19, 2002's comic on:
A vendor addresses a meeting, "If you buy our system it will pay for itself in three years." Dilbert turns to the vendor and asks, "Approximately how much does it cost?" The vendor responds, "It's hard to say. It depends on many factors." Dilbert says, "Fine. Just tell me how much money it will save annually." The vendor replies, "You'll save $10,000 per year." Dilbert says, "Well then, if it pays for itself in three years, it must cost about $30,000" Dilbert continues, "That was a little trick I call "math." Dilbert continues, "Oops. Now I'm not emotionally invested." Asok pats Dilbert on the back and says, "Your vendor tauntage is quite excellent today."
Share June 09, 2002's comic on:
The Boss addresses a meeting, "The merger has been approved." The Boss continues, "Our evil director of human resources will blend the acquired company's benefits with our own." Alice, Dilbert, and Wally cry, "WAAA! WAAA! WAAA!" The Boss thinks, "Apparently they know what blending means." Catbert says to the other HR director, "Let's see... My company offers six months of maternity leave for mothers." The other HR director replies, "We treat 'em like smokers. They have to squat in the parking lot for 10 minutes then go back to work." Catbert says, "That's very evil.. We'll adopt your program." The other HR director responds, "Thanks." The Boss reads the new benefits plan. He asks, "What is 'draining?' Catbert responds, "Our company called it training."
Share July 07, 2002's comic on:
The Boss addresses a meeting, "Does anyone have any ideas for boosting morale?" Wally raises his hand, "Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!" Wally says, "The employee potluck lunch that we had last year was almost perfect." Wally continues, "But we only had it once and some people had schedule conflicts." Wally continues, "I call my idea the 'Permanent Virtual Individual Employee Potluck' or P.V.I.E.P for short." Wally continues, "Every day, each employee brings a small meal in a bag and eats it whenever he gets hungry." The Boss says, "You already do that. " Wally replies, "And look how happy I am!" The Boss says, "Okay, who is going to organize the P.V.I.E.P.?" Wally responds, "Alice hasn't helped yet." Alice cringes in anger.
Share August 11, 2002's comic on:
Dilbert says to The Boss, "Both plans are technically impossible." The Boss responds, "Which one costs less?" Dilbert says, "Um... I don't see how that matters, but plan one is cheaper." The Boss reports to his manager, "Plan one is the best." The manager responds, "I'll take it to our V.P." The manager is meeting with an associate. The associate says, "I like plan two." The manager replies, "Great minds think alike!" The associate approaches the V.P. The V.P. says, "Excellent. Ask one of our engineers to present plan two to the board." The Boss approaches Dilbert and says, "Guess what." Dilbert says to Wally, "Every day I make the world a little bit worse." Wally responds, "What's it like to make a difference?"
Share October 06, 2002's comic on:
Wally is sitting at his computer. The Boss approaches and says, "Wally, it's time for your annual performance review." As they're walking to the conference room, The Boss says to Wally, "None of my usual words fit your situation." They enter the conference room and take seats. The Boss continues, "So I had to hit the thesaurus pretty hard." The Boss continues, "Your overall rating is 'feral.'" The Boss continues, "Your leadership skills are rated 'squirrely.'" The Boss continues, "And your teamwork is a solid 'coot.'" The Boss continues, "Your long-term potential is to die in the landscaping and become compost." After the meeting, Dilbert asks Wally, "How'd it go?" Wally responds, "I wasn't really listening."
Share October 27, 2002's comic on:
Tags #epic year, #unethical behavior, #rebarnding, #hired dogcart consulting, #small improvements, #rename company, #stinking weasel, #slogan, #steal, #rob, #corruption, #hiring pirate, #diseased parrot
The Boss addresses a meeting, "Thanks to an epic year of unethical behavior..." The Boss continues, "We need to do some rebranding so that no one knows who we are." The Boss points to Dogbert and continues, "I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to help." Dogbert says, "You can't fix your image all at once. I recommend starting with small improvements." Dogbert continues, "First, rename the company to Stinkingweasels Inc." Dogbert continues, "The new slogan will be 'We steal in ways you've never even heard of.'" Dogbert turns to The Boss and says, "For your spokesperson, I recommend hiring a pirate with a diseased parrot." The Boss is holding a bag of money. He says to the pirate, "No?" The pirate responds, "We have standards."
Share November 10, 2002's comic on:
Dilbert points to a slide and says, "And then I would end the presentation with this." The Boss is sitting next to two other pointy-haired people. He says, "Whoa! I don't like the look of that background color." The Boss continues, "Red says danger. We don't want to scare our customers." Dilbert responds, "Um.. okay. How about yellow?" The second pointy-haired person says, "Yellow? Are we saying we're cowards?" The third pointy-haired person says, "What we need is a committee to set some standards for background colors." Dilbert responds, "What we need is a meteor to pulverize you three pointy- haired, micro-managing nitwits." After the meeting, Wally asks Dilbert, "If you didn't move your mouth, how did it get out?" Dilbert responds, "It came out of my ear hole."
Share November 24, 2002's comic on:
The Boss walks down the hall and thinks, "I hate today.. I hate today." The Boss takes a seat by Wally in the conference room and thinks, "Wally's annual performance review." The Boss says to Wally, "Let's compare your objectives with.." The Boss pauses and then continues, "What the...?" The Boss says, "Apparently your objectives are "play computer solitaire and drink coffee." Wally says, "I hope you're learning a valuable lesson about reading documents before signing them." The Boss responds, "Okay, we'll use what we have. How many games of solitaire did you win?" Wally says, "Win? I didn't know you could win. Is that something new?" After the meeting, Dilbert approaches Wally and says, "He made you employee of the month?" Wally responds, "He thinks he signed a warning for my file."
Share December 22, 2002's comic on:
Headline: The Adventures of Paul Ooshen* (*Say it fast). Paul sits at his computer and looks down at his watch. Paul squirts a perfume bottle towards his face. He thinks, "Aaah... The scent of a hog farm in a rainstorm." Paul rubs in fingers in an oil puddle on his desk and thinks, "Oil for fingers." Paul holds up a sandwich and thinks, "Onion sandwich." Paul snorts his nose and thinks, "Annoying nasal sounds." Paul pours coffee into a mug and thinks, "Leaky coffee mug.. I'm ready for my meeting." Paul enters Alice's cubicle and scratches his nails down her computer screen. Alice screams, "Yes! Yes! I agree to everything! Please leave!" Paul walks away and thinks, "I didn't even need to lean over her keyboard with my sugar donut."
Share July 08, 2001's comic on:
Dilbert and Wally stand in the hallway looking into the conference room where the Boss is having a meeting. Dilbert says, "They must be talking about the layoffs." Wally says, "I'd like to be a fly on that wall." Suddenly, "Poof!" and Wally is turned into a fly. Wally is seen in fly form, with his head on a fly's body. He says, "Great...the one time I get my wish..." Wally flies into the room as the Boss says, "Let's focus on our priorities and make rational budget decisions." The whole room erupts in laughter: "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" The Boss continues speaking as Wally flies in close to his coffee and donut. The Boss says, "Back to reality. I'll fire Ted; he creeps me out. Who else do we hate?" Wally lands on the donut as the Boss says, "Hey, my donut is gettting eaten by the world's ugliest fly!" Wally says, "Bonanza!"