Need Shreded Comic Strips - Page 97

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View 961 - 970 results for need shreded comic strips. Discover the best "Need Shreded" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 17, 2012's comic on:


Tags #anger, #honesty, #fester, #hatred, #pale doughy body, #tree of knowledge, #falls on head, #die ironically

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Boss: Carol, if you have any issues, just be honest. Don't let anything fester. Carol: I hate every subatomic particle in your pale, doughy body. I hope the tree of knowledge falls on your head so you die ironically. Boss: I need to rethink my no-festering rule. Carol: Tree of knowledge... get it?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 18, 2012's comic on:


Tags #capitalism, #electronic mail, #colorful opions, #email, #advertising plan, #discoverable record, #describing advertising, #pinocchio doing backstroke

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Boss: Please stop using email to express your colorful opinions of our marketing campaign. We don't need a discoverable record of you describing our advertising plan as "Pinocchio doing the backstroke in Satan's septic tank." Remember that capitalism without deniability is the same as poverty. Dilbert: Eh?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 19, 2012's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #consumer protection, #court ordered, #good defense, #internal emails, #known to be dangerous

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Lawyer: The court ordered us to turn over all of our internal emails. Have you ever mentioned in email that our products are known to be dangerous but we don't care? CEO: I don't even know what products we make. Lawyer: That's a good defense. We might need that.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 21, 2012's comic on:


Tags #internet & world wide web, #cloudwash, #argon, #smart people, #software to cloud

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Boss: I need you to cloudwash our software. Dilbert: Cloudwash? Boss: Move some of its functions onto the internet, but call the internet a cloud. No one will take us seriously unless we're doing something in the cloud. Dilbert: Will people take us seriously if we make technology decisions based on jargon? Boss: We don't care what smart people think. There aren't many of them. We only need to convince our dumb customers. Dumb people believe anything. Dilbert: Do you believe I moved our software to the cloud yesterday? Boss: You did? Dilbert: I'm going to say yes.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 30, 2012's comic on:


Tags #controlling gaze, #lazy, #management experts, #managers & supervisors, #one on one meetings, #regular does, #theiveing, #underlings, #work ethic, #toxic saboteur, #business

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Boss: Management experts say bosses should have frequent one-on-one meeting with underlings. Apparently, you need regular doses of my controlling gaze to prevent you from evolving into a lazy, thieving, toxic saboteur. Carol: It's working great. So far I feel less lazy about doing the other things you mentioned.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 14, 2012's comic on:


Tags #employees, #anti co worker, #padding, #noise canceling, #headphones, #business

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Dilbert: I'm waring my anti-co-worker suit to work today. It has noise-canceling headphones, blinders, and padding so I can't feel taps on my shoulder. Headphones: Mr. Watson-- don't come here-- I don't need you. Dilbert: Heh heh.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 19, 2012's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #gotcha fees, #airlines, #make moneky, #terrible battery life, #high five

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Dogbert: You need to have more "gotcha" fees. That's how airlines make their money. For example, you could design your product to have a terrible battery life, then sell extra chargers for ten times your cost. CEO: And maybe the chargers could break after two months. Dogbert: High five!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 23, 2012's comic on:


Tags #chain of command, #district manager, #ceo, #braille toad, #questions

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Boss: I send your question up the chain of command. I talked to the district manager who talked to his AVP who talked to his VP who talked to his SVP who talked to the CEO. The answer is that we need to shine the braille toad. Dilbert: Do you see any problem with our system?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 29, 2012's comic on:


Tags #managers & supervisors, #list of priorities, #business

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Boss: Dilbert, I need you to take care of this. Dilbert: I'd love to, but it isn't on the list of priorities you gave me an hour ago. Boss: Do what I tell you to do, not what I say you should do.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 05, 2012's comic on:


Tags #suspicion, #assemble data, #boring work, #quality over quality, #poor politics, #office politics

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Boss: I need you to assemble a huge amount of totally incomprehensible data. Make it boring so no one looks at it too closely. I'm aiming for quantity over quality. Dilbert: I have a bad feeling about this. Boss: No one would pay you to feel good.