Time Comic Strips - Page 97

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Computers Program Humans

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Computers Program Humans - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags robots, program, intelligence, control, medication, medicine, pill, technology, power

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Robot: It is time to take your mood-altering prescription meds. Boss: Oh, right. Robot: Wait... IBM's Watson computer has added another prescription and sent it to your 3-D pill printer at home. Do you think robots will ever program humans? Boss: That's dumb.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags management, strategy, productivity, humane, inhumane, treatment, surveillance, watching, privacy, work, office workers

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Boss: We are going to start monitoring employee productivity in real time. Any questions? Dilbert: I need one clarification. Are you saying you removed the last shred of human dignity from our jobs and reduced us to nothing but a meat machine that suffers in a state of perpetual inadequacy as each person is compared to an arbitrary and ever-growing goal until there is no realistic way for the employee to find happiness through natural means? Boss: That's one way to look at it.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags anger, deadline, team, teamwork, frustration, rage, telekinesis, business

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Alice: I worked all night to finish my part. Coworker: I admire your work ethic, Alice. I only finished half of my part. Alice: Wait... if you didn't finish your part, it was a total waste of time for me to finish mine. Coworker: That's one way to look at it. Alice: What time last night did you know you would not be done by today? Coworker: Must have been about six. I got hungry, then I had to unwind. Are you trying to make my head explode by focusing anger at my skull? Alice: First time that worked. Practice paid off.

Nod At Preset Intervals

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Nod At Preset Intervals - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags lying, lie, collusion, nonverbal communication, honest, sales, sales personnel, ethics, business

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Boss: You don't have to lie to customers, but at least nod your head when our salesperson lies. Dilbert: Can I not at preset intervals and let the salesperson time the lies to my nods? Salesman: I can work with that.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags meeting, complaining, problems, salutation, sincerity, insincere, questioning, business

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Dilbert: Thanks for meeting me on short notice. How are you? Coworker: Well, actually, someone stole my identity and ruined my credit score. I couldn't refinance my loan and lost my house. So I ate myself into poor health. I stopped shaving for a month and ended up on the terrorist watchlist. My boss hates me and is trying to make me quit by giving me bad assignments. My car broke down and I haven't been hugged in a year. Dilbert: Okay, let's get started. Coworker: That's all the time I had.

Boss Offers To Help

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Boss Offers To Help - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags deadline, help, manager, incompetent, obliviousness, extension

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Dilbert: I can't get everything done by the deadline. Boss: I'll stop by later to help. Dilbert: That's funny. Boss: What's funny? Dilbert: Using incompetence as a substitute for time.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags justice, trial, jury duty, laziness, lazy, juror, legal system

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Wally: I got called for jury duty. I'll probably be gone for weeks. I think I would be a good juror. As I understand the job, you sit in a chair doing nothing for hours. Boss: You're supposed to pay attention to the trial. Wally: That's what the other eleven people are for. There's a lot of redundancy in the system. Time to serve up some justice.

Charge All Hours To Projects

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Charge All Hours To Projects - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags logic, billing, honesty, fraud, money, time

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Boss: Make sure you charge 100 percent of your time to project codes. Dilbert: Are you asking us to fraudulently apply our miscellaneous hours to specific projects so we can overbill clients? Boss: It's not a crime if you pretend it was an accident. Dilbert: Did you learn that in "flaw" school?

Charging Client For Thinking

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Charging Client For Thinking - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags thinking, engineers, time, worth, meetings, billing, money, cost

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Boss: The client says you billed them for all the time you spent thinking about their project. Dilbert: I'm an engineer. Thinking is what I do. Should I think less? Boss: Maybe you could meet with someone while you think. Dilbert: How's that working right now?

Unexpected Things Happen

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Unexpected Things Happen - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags deadline, project, schedule, excuse

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CEO: What's the latest on the software release date? Wally: We're right on time for the pre-alpha launch, unless we run into something unexpected. CEO: How often does that happen? Wally: Whenever I need it.