Aligns With Priorities Comic Strips - Page 97

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"Alice, this is Ellen, your new natural enemy." "You're highly skilled but mannish, whereas Ellen is unqualified and totally hot." "Now I have to decide who will come with me to the trade show in Hawaii and who will do the furniture inventory."

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I got the latest numbers from Yvonne. "How's Yvonne doing with the sextuplets now that her house burned down and she had shoulder surgery?" "It didn't come up."

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Dogbert's Communication Seminar "There's really no point in listening to other people." "They're either going to be agreeing with you or saying stupid stuff." "That should cut down on the questions."

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"If I buy this, how can I be sure you won't come out with a newer version next week?" "I give you my word as a job-hopping commission junky with a gambling problem." "And even if we did have a newer version, it sure wouldn't fix any of the problems that this one has."

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We can kick a field goal in the ninth inning if we use a full-court press. "Remember that you drive for show but you pick up the spare for dough." "Have you been helping Alice with her sports metaphors?" "Perhaps."

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"Alice, we're doing some construction and I have to move you to a slightly larger cubicle." "Muwhahaha! I will use the power of my slightly larger cubicle to rule my coworkers with an iron fist!" "Get out of my way, you worthless microcuber!!"

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"Dilbert, meet your new coworker, Phil O'Dendron." "Phil is a potted plant. He'll sit in your cubicle all day while you try to work." "Does it talk?" "He has three stories that he repeats in an infinite loop." "He'll begin with his reasons for why you should use his tax guy." "Then he'll do a recap of recent reality TV shows." "And last but not least, 'The way we did it at my last job.'" sob "How do you plan to cut expenses?" "Well, performance bonuses are under control."

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The Mildly Retarded Consultant "You'll have to drink from the firehose unless..." "...You drill down and check the dashboard to see why the bloatware bubbled up from the bake-off." "Does that mean anything?" "Don't ping my cheese with your bandwidth."

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"Did you fund the infrastructure project yet?" "Nope." "I'm playing budget chicken with the director of operations." "I'm hoping that his department needs the infrastructure more than we do." "If I can bluff him into funding the project with his budget instead of mine, I win." "He'll be reprimanded for exceeding his budget and I'll get a bonus for being under mine." "I'll use the bonus to buy a summer cabin by the lake." "Then I'll e-mail him pictures of my cabin and say, 'I hope you're enjoying your infrastructure as much as I'm enjoying my cabin!'" "You've reached a new low." "I've been thinking of firing you so I can get a fishing hat."

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There's a little thing I like to do before any meeting with a marketing guy. BONK! "This way there's more congruence between the things you say and the way you look."