One Chair Comic Strips - Page 97
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CEO: This was a productive four hour leadership meeting, Id like one of you to type up your notes and send an email to the entire company. No one took notes? The Boss: I didn't have a pen. CEO: Okay no problem, does anyone remember what we decided? The Boss: We agreed to increase...something No, decrease something. CEO: Never mind. lets try it gain on thursday at 8AM Carol: When is the next leadership meeting? The Boss: I should have written that down.
"Remember, quality is our top priority." Quality "Question: Is it more important than safety?" "Ooh... I forgot about that one." "Question: Is quality more important than obeying the law?" "Well, probably not." "If we could maximize shareholder value by selling lower quality items..." "Wouldn't we have a fiduciary responsibility to do it?" "Hmmm" "I'm sure it's in the top four." "What if we had to lie to achieve quality?"
Ted: I moved the meeting to Tuesday. Dilbert: "I can't make it on Tuesday." " Ted: Somehow I think the marketing team can survive one meeting without engineering support." Marketing team: "We'll include a pet gerbil in every box. We'll just need to make sure it's in a sealed plastic bag so it won't chew on the cables."
Asok: "I worked nights and weekends to finish my project ahead of schedule." The Boss: "Good. Here's more work." Asok: "I don't understand. Am I being punished for working hard?" The Boss: "No, you're being rewarded with exciting new challenges." Asok: "Why does the plant grow faster when you say things like that?" The Boss: "No reason." "Stop that!" "Anyway, your annual performance review will award your hard work." Wally: That is one fertilized plant
CEO: "We have too many managers, so I'm making you an aspect manager." "You'll be in charge of one aspect of a corporate objective." The Boss: "Please just fire me." CEO: "Your aspect will be morale."
SYCOPHANT SCHOOL "You must learn to agree with your superiors no matter what they say." "For practice, I'll make statements and you agree. Remember to use your fake smiles." "Statement one: I should be paid 400 times more than you because I have to look at your faces."
DOGBERT CONSULTS Dogbert: "To survive, you must create disruptive innovations that redefine the market." wally: "Does that mean the same thing as 'sell things people want'?" Dogbert: "There's one big difference." wally: "You only get paid if you say it in a funny way?" dogcart: "I like to think disruptively innovative."
Ask: "I discovered a typo in the market forecast that is driving our company strategy." "Where it says,'Everyone would want one,' it should have said, 'Every Wong would want one." "Worse yet, I called Mr. Wong and he said he was joking." The Boss: "What if we gave him free delivery?"
Asok: "Wally, I discovered a deadly safety flaw in our product. Who should I inform?" Wally: "No one. The stock would plunge and we'd have massive layoffs. Your career would be ruined." Asok: "But my negligence could cause the deaths of a dozen customers." Wally: "The first dozen is always the hardest."