Asks Customer Comic Strips - Page 97

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lprodcut complet, #ships tomorrow, #additional features, #marketing department, #customers, #want hardware, #times like this, #psycho path

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Dilbert, Wally, the Boss and another employee sit at a conference table. Dilbert holds a software box and says, "At long last our product is complete. It ships tomorrow." The other employee says, "That's terrific. I only have a few additional features to add and the marketing department will be happy." The Boss says, "Okay." The Boss continues, "I believe that our customers want hardware, not software." Wally says to Dilbert, "It's times like this I wish I were a psychopath." Dilbert asks, "You're not?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #department newsletter, #experienced tech writer, #intern, #rat, #respectively, #skills, #publisher taken

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Tina the Tech Writer, Asok the Intern and Ratbert sit at a conference table. Tina says, "Let's get one thing straight before we start writing the department newsletter . . ." Tina continues, "I'm an experienced technical writer. You are an intern and a rat, respectively. Therefore I will be the editor." Asok says, "I have no skills whatsoever. Therefore I'll be executive editor." Ratbert asks, "Is 'publisher' taken?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #corporate vice presdient, #win bet, #action plan, #spend money, #vice president, #annoying rodent

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Dogbert says to Ratbert, "Remember everything I taught you, Ratbert. If you can pass yourself off as a corporate vice president, I'll win my bet." Ratbert stands on a desk and says to Wally as he walks by, "Yo, Headcount! If you have any issues, put together an action plan. Our people are the best. Don't spend money." Wally asks Alice, "Do you think he's really a vice president?" Alice answers, "Maybe. But I'm not ready to rule out 'annoying rodent' yet." In the background Ratbert says, "Quality."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #vice president, #marketing, #losing scruples, #valuable lesson, #fun to say scruples, #business

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Ratbert stands on Dilbert's desk and says, "I quit my job as vice president of marketing . . ." Ratbert continues, "I was losing my scruples . . . becoming unscrupulous. Yes, I learned a valuable lesson about scruples." Dilbert asks, "And that lesson would be?" Ratbert answers, "It's fun to say 'scruples.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #review board, #fist of death, #alice, #wally no work, #nostradamus, #alice punches wally

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The Boss, Alice, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "The executive review board meeting is canceled. I hope you didn't work too hard preparing for it." Alice clenches her teeth and thinks, "Must . . . control fist . . . of . . . death . . ." Wally says, "Unlike Alice, I saw it coming and did no work whatsoever." Alice punches Wally and his head collapses into his shirt. She asks, "Did you see THAT coming, Nostradamus?" Dilbert asks, "What does this do to headcount?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #catbert hr director, #went nuts, #vending machine, #offer counseling, #more economical, #death penalty, #possible, #microwave oven

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Catbert says to Dilbert, "This report says you went nuts at a vending machine because it took your money." Dilbert sits with his arms crossed over his chest. Catbert continues, "The company used to offer counseling in these cases. But we found it was more economical to apply the death penalty." Dilbert looks shocked. Dilbert asks, "What?! How is that possible?" Catbert replies, "I'm not sure yet. You're too big for the microwave oven . . ."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dogcart versus catbert, #dilbert death, #bob the donosuar, #fur wedgie, #lost paperwork, #ordering execustion

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The caption says, "Dogbert versus Catbert." Dogbert stands on Catbert's desk and says, "I understand you've sentenced Dilbert to death." Catbert asks, "Is that a problem?" Bob the Dinosaur stands behind Dogbert and looks menacing. Dogbert says, "My assistant, Bob the Dinosaur, will now demonstrate how to give a cat a 'fur wedgie.'" Dilbert arrives at home carrying a briefcase. He says to Dogbert, "I've been pardoned. Somehow they lost the paperwork ordering my execution." Dogbert responds, "It probably fell into a crack."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #do math, #idiot, #monday and fridays, #shocking, #sick days, #idiot savant

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The secretary reads a document and says to the Boss, "Oh my! This is shocking!" The Boss asks, "What?" The secretary says, "40% of all sick days taken by your staff are Fridays and Mondays!" The Boss walks away saying, "What kind of idiot do they think I am?" The secretary says, "Not an idiot savant. They can do math."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dances, #dancing dogs, #go wild, #healed, #healthy, #invoice, #poems, #primal screams, #tech me, #total well being

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Dogbert, who is wearing a wizard's hat, stands on the desk in Alice's cubicle. Dogbert asks, "Have my poems and dances healed your soul yet, Alice? The company cares about your total well being." Alice says, "Excuse me." Alice leans over the cubicle wall and shouts at the Boss, "We want more MONEY, not more dancing dogs!!! M-O-N-E-Y!! The Boss and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "So you're saying those primal screams are healthy? Can you teach me to do it?" Dogbert says, "Here's my invoice - go wild."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #arbitrary clerical deadline, #preserve integrity, #time reporting system, #time sheet, #annoying

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Dilbert hands a time sheet to a woman at a desk and says, "Here's my time sheet, including guesses for the next two days so I can meet your arbitrary clerical deadline." Dilbert continues, "If anything important comes up, I'll ignore it to preserve the integrity of the time-reporting system." The woman asks, "Are you finished annoying me yet?" Dilbert answers, "According to my time sheet I'll be here for another 14 minutes."