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The Boss says, "Tina, I have to give you a performance rating of 'Poor' because you did no work this year." Tina exclaims, "No work?" Tina says, "I wrote hundreds of technical documents this year!" Tina continues to The Boss, "I worked seventy hours a week!" Tina continues, "I e-mailed every one of the documents to you..." Tina continues, "... With instructions to forward them with your approval to the end users." The Boss says, "That reminds me: I don't know how to open attachments." Tina says to Dilbert, "Why didn't you tell me you never got my documents?" Dilbert asks, "Who are you?"
Tags #punish me, #manage annual business plan, #beg co workers, #information, #budget needs, #lies, #ignore you, #underscoring unimportance, #combine lies and guesses, #ballof data, #senior mangement, #budget decions, #magazine articles
Asok is in the bosses office. Asok says, "Did you call me here to punish me?" The boss is sitting behind his desk. The boss says, "No, no, Asok. I want you to manage our annual business plan process." Asok says, "How so I do that?" The boss says, "First, you beg your co-workers for information about their budget needs." With a close-up on Asok, the boss continues off-frame "Half of them will give you lies. The other half will ignore you. Thus underscoring your unimportance." The boss continues, "Then you'll combine the lies and guesses into a worthless ball of data for senior management." Asok faces the boss as the boss says, "Then our CEO will make budget decisions based on magazine articles." Dilbert asks Asok, "How bad was the punishment?" Asok says, "Worse than I expected."
The Boss, Wally, Dilbert, Alice, and Asok are in a meeting. The Boss explains, "A good manager hires people who are smarter than he is." Wally asks, "So... your boss is dumber than you?" Alice asks, "And your boss' boss is dumber yet?" Then, Dilbert says, "According to your theory, our CEO is the dumbest person in the company." Wally adds, "Unless all of you are bad managers." And Asok says, "Truly we are doomed either way." The Boss responds, "This concludes the motivational part of the meeting." Wally says to the Boss, "I'd give you a high five but I don't like to move."
A smiling female employee, handing Dilbert change, says, "Thank you. Have a nice day." Dilbert thinks, "She's flirting with me." Dilbert says to the woman, "Um... Would you like to go out on Saturday?" The woman, still smiling, says, "I wasn't flirting. This is my phony customer service smile." The woman says to Dilbert, "Employees are required to smile." Dilbert asks the woman, "Okay. But now you're flirting, aren't you?" The woman answers, "No, still phony." Walking away, Dilbert thinks, "Wally has to see this." Wally and Dilbert stand looking at the smiling woman. Wally says, "Hey, it looks like she's flirting with me!" Dilbert says, "Is this great or what?"
Noriko says to Dilbert, "I signed you up for a trip to the South Pole." Dilbert asks Noriko, "Um... why?" Noriko says to Dilbert, "You'll love it. You leave tomorrow." Dilbert says forcefully to Noriko, "I am not going to the South Pole!" Noriko says to Dilbert, "Oh, I get it; You're a control freak." Dilbert yells, "GAAA! Can't you see that it's you who is trying to control me?!! Noriko says to Dilbert, "All I see is you trying to manipulate me into not sending you to the South Pole." Dilbert, dressed in a fur-trimmed parka and carrying a suitcase, says to Catbert, "It seemed easier."
Boss: We're replacing our outdated system of annual performance reviews. The new system is called Gramification. It's a hot new trend. Employees can win badges, ribbons, and awards for completing tasks. Dilbert: Can we opt for the cash value of those badges, ribbons, and awards? Boss: They don't have any cash value. Dilbert: Oh. Like garbage? Boss: No, not like garbage! Except in the narrow sense of having no functional, economic, or emotional value. Garbage is something you throw away. Dilbert: Hand me an award and watch carefully.
Boss: And you are...? Coworker: I've worked for you for years. I was telecommuting, but now our company policy forbids it, so here I am. Boss: Did I give you any assignments in those four years? Coworker: No, and you can imagine how disappointed I am now.
Asok: I'm afraid to give Alice my opinion of her plan. Dilbert: What's the worst thing that could happen? Asok: She could rip off both of my arms and beat me to death with them. Then she could track down my family in India and kill them one by one. Is this your first time giving advice? Dilbert: I just figured out why no one ever asks for it.
Boss: Dilbert says the government wants me to film my colonoscopy and give them the video so they can check for terrorists. Catbert: That makes perfect sense. Terrorists come in all sizes and they like to hide in caves. Boss: It seems like a violation of my privacy. Catbert: Whose side are you on?