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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #nitwit hates ogre, #ogre ate nitwit, #borrow nit iwt, #requisition, #work, #coffee room, #break room, #ogre, #nit wit, #coworkers, #new hires

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Dilbert and Alice are at the coffee machine. Alice says, "My project is being stalled because my nitwit hates my ogre, and my #$&%! won't do any work." Dilbert responds, "My ogre ate my nitwit and my #$&%! is trying to blame me for it." Alice asks, "Do you want to borrow my nitwit?" Dilbert responds, "No, I have a requisition in."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #investment banker, #merger success, #corrupt auditors, #corrupt cfo, #stock analysts, #greedy bankers, #clueless board memebers

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Headline: Dogbert the Investment Banker. Dogbert says to The Boss, "We have all of the elements to make the merger a success." Dogbert continues, "... Corrupt auditors, corrupt CEO, corrupt stock analysts, greedy bankers and clueless board members." The Boss asks, "And you?" Dogbert replies, "What are you implying?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #defendant guilty, #sentence tod eath, #deliberated, #heard evidence, #lenos monlogues, #not eveidence

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The foreman of the jury says, "We find the defendant guilty and we sentence him to death." A woman in the jury says, "Umm.. we haven't deliberated. We haven't even heard any evidence yet." The foreman replies, "Okay, so, what I'm hearing is that Leno's monologue is NOT evidence?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #short timer, #refuse to leave, #motorized wheel chair, #lift me, #drag to curb

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Headline: The Short-Timer. Asok asks the short-timer, "How will you leave if you refuse to use any major muscle groups until retirement?" The short-timer responds, "I'm hoping someone will buy me a motorized wheelchair and lift me into it." Asok says, "I would be willing to drag you to the curb." The short-timer responds, "Face up?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #teds job, #two jobs forever, #verbal praise, #down the road, #future, #manipulation, #until hire

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "I need you to do Ted's job and your own job until we hire someone." Dilbert responds, "If I do well, you'll make me do two jobs forever. If I do poorly, I'll get no raise." The Boss replies, "I can't promise anything, but there might be some verbal praise down the road."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cruel invention, #disposible, #evil, #fossil fuel, #lackey, #life, #no prupose, #no purpose

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Dogbert is sitting in front of Dilbert's magnetic cancellation wheel. Bob the Dinosaur approaches and says, "My dream was to someday decompose and become fossil fuel." Bob continues, "But Dilbert's cruel invention will make fuel unnecessary. Now my life has no purpose!' Dogbert replies, "You can be my disposable evil lackey." Bob responds, "I-I-I can?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #early death, #over working, #grim reaper, #love job, #unlike you, #don't look grim

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Dilbert says to The Boss and Wally, "I'm well on my way to an early death from overworking." Dilbert continues, "I expect a visit from the grim reaper any day now." Dilbert is approached by the grim reaper. Dilbert says, "You don't look grim." The grim reaper responds, "Unlike you, I love my job."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #power point presentation, #ceo slip trance, #subliminal suggestions, #increase budget, #more budget, #kill boss, #pointy haired monster

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Dilbert is sitting at his computer. The Boss approaches and says, "Make your 'Power-point' presentation so boring that our CEO will slip into trance." The Boss continues, "Then I'll whisper to him subliminal suggestions to increase our budget." The CEO is asleep. The Boss whispers, "More budget." On the other side of the CEO, Wally whispers, "Kill the pointy-haired monster."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bio metric, #security system, #checks pulse, #heat, #fingerprints, #Wally, #indentify

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The Boss introduces an employee, "Bob will demonstrate our new biometric security system." Bob motions towards the machine and says, "The system checks for pulse, heat and fingerprints to identify each employee." Wally puts his hand on the machine and says, "It says I don't have any of those things." Bob replies, "Are you the one they call Wally?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bad advice, #burrowing in torso, #consultick, #implement

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The Consultick. The Boss: "He'll do more than give us bad advice.." "He'll also make sure we can't implement it without him." The consultick leans over and sticks his hair into The Boss's stomach. The Boss exclaims, "Ha ha! How he's burrowing into my torso, and I've convinced myself it's okay."