Against Company Policy Comic Strips - Page 98
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CEO: We're borrowing a policy from Google because they are so awesome. You may now use 20% of your workday on your own project ideas. Dilbert: Are you saying we can do 20% less work on our core functions? CEO: No, no. Nothing like that. I'm saying you can work on your own project ideas for 20% of your time. Dilbert: Okay... so... if the 20% doesn't come out of our work hours, where does it come from? Alice: I think he's trying to make us work 20% longer for the same amount of pay. Dilbert; We could just tell people we do it, but not do it. CEO: Same as Google! That's all I'm asking.
Boss: On your list of accomplishments, you say you filed seventeen patents for the company this month. Wally: I did. Here's the documentation on each of them. Boss: Hmm... it will be three years before I know if these are accepted. Wally: Until then, let's play it safe and assume I'm awesome.
Alice: Is there any way to disagree with your new strategy without making you angry? Boss: Blah blah I value all opinions. Blah blah open door policy. Blah blah dissenting opinions are good. Alice: None of that sounded sincere. Boss: Nailed it.
Boss: I need you to critique my presentation for the board. And don't hold back to spare my feelings. Dilbert: That probably won't be an issue. Alice: We got this. Boss: My product idea has three components. Alice: How do you know another company isn't secretly preparing to launch the same product? Boss: What kind of stupid question is that? Alice: It's the same question you asked me yesterday about my product idea. Boss: The board won't ask that. Alice: Don't be so sure. I hear they're idiots.
G-Man 1: Oh-oh. The fugitive hacker Dilbert rolled down a hill and found a cell signal. G-Man 2: Relax. What can one engineer with a phone do against a superpower with armed drones? G-Man 1: Who do you think makes our drones???!!!
Job Interview. Boss; When I make hiring decisions, my biggest priority is cultural fit. Man: Your buzzwords are like music to my unemployed ears. And here come some employees who can tell me about your company culture. Boss: Uh-oh. Man: Hey, guys. Can I ask some questions about the culture here? Dilbert: Working here is like a paradise. Wally: Best place ever. Dilbert: Our days are full of laughter, hugging, and camaraderie. Wally: Coffee is free! Man: Wow. Thanks. I look forward to working here. Boss: ??? Dilbert: I didn't like that guy. Wally: I'm glad we got our revenge in advance.
CEO: I am proud to say I serve as a board member for nine corporations. Dilbert; Your lack of focus shows disregard for your fiduciary responsibilities. CEO: Can someone fire this guy for me? I don't remember what company I'm at.
Dilbert: I invented a way to regulate my mood with an external brain stimulator. Boss: You're supposed to be organizing the company picnic. Dilbert: Did you serious expect me to do that without an external brain stimulator?
Dilbert: I'm wearing a brain stimulator so I don't die of boredom while organizing the company picnic. Carol: Speaking of that, what kind of cups should I order? Do you want red or clear? And what sizes? How many? Is this a bad time? Device: Low battery.