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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #signed ted card, #stamp, #congratualations, #death, #Family, #medical

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Dilbert holds a greeting card and says, "Let's see... it looks like you haven't signed Ted's card yet." Alice is sitting at her computer and glares. Alice slams a rubber stamp down on the card. Dilbert looks at the card and says, "Do you think 'congratulations' is appropriate for a death in his family?" Alice says, "You never know."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #nobel prize committee, #theory, #pig layin, #nobel prize commitee, #otonphay, #ratbert

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Dilbert is sitting on the couch. Ratbert says, "I submitted our garbage man's theory to the Nobel prize committee." Ratbert says, "I hope I wrote the theory right. I don't know shorthand so I used pig latin to save time." Nobel Prize Committee: Three guys with hair like Albert Einstein sit looking at papers. One says, "What's an "oton-phay"? A second guy says, "I love what you're doing with your hair."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #wally the role model, #art sarcasm, #bosses own word, #disciplined for insubordination, #lips, #resources, #adding value, #would be delighted

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Wally says to Asok, "There's an art to sarcasm, Asok." Wally says, "If you use your boss's own words, you can't be disciplined for insubordination." Wally points to his puckered lips and says, "And do this with your lips." At a meeting, Asok puckers his lips and says to The Boss, "Today I focused my resources on adding value to the product process. Our shareholders would be delighted to know that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #illogical scientist, #idea won't work, #religious nuts

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Alice is sitting at a table with her lap top computer and is writing something. Dan pulls up a chair and says, "Hi. I'm Dan, the Illogical Scientist." Alice covers what she is writing. Dan says, "That idea won't work. I know because I've read many reports about ideas that didn't work." Alice says, "You haven't even looked at my idea." Dan says, "Oh, I get it; you're one of those religious nuts."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #write resume, #large fee, #Dogbert, #having trouble, #invented coffee, #patent

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Phil, former ruller of Heck, now head of the Analogy Police, says to Dogbert, "Can you help me write a resume?" Dogbert obliges, "Yes, for a large fee." Phil says, "How do I know you're qualified." Dogbert says, "Check my resume." Phil says, "I have a hard time believing you invented coffee." Dogbert rebutts, "Check my patent."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #urgent, #doing work, #more urgent

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The Boss hands Dilbert a piece of paper. The Boss says, "This is urgent. Stop what you're doing and work on it right now." Dilbert looks at the report. Dilbert says, "Is it more urgent than what I was doing?" The Boss says, "I don't know what you were doing." Dilbert says, "Exactly. So how could you know if this is more urgent?" The Boss says, "Tou could work late and do both." Dilbert says, "Work late? Is this more important than my health?" The Boss grabs the piece of paper. The Boss says, "Forget it! I'll have Alice do it." Wally looks over the cubicle wall. Wally asks,"Just out of curiosity what ARE you doing?" Dilbert says. "Playing "Quake"."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #hugger, #first date, #watch snagged, #bra strap

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Dilbert meets his date. His date puts out her arms and says, "Hi, Dilbert! Hi, Dogbert!" Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh!" Dilbert's date goes in for a hug. Dilbert thinks, "She's a hugger on the first date. I never know where my arms should go." Dilbert hugs his date, his arms going down her shirt and lifting it up to her head. You can see her bra and Dilbert says, "I hope this doesn't seem awkward, but my watch is snagged on your bra strap."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #engineering conference, #most valuable asset, #decline, #overtime, #assets decline, #fine art, #every year, #louve, #certification of depreciation, #earned your air

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The Boss is on stage behind a podium and speaks to the crowd. "The theme of this engineering conference is..." Dilbert, Wally, and Alice sit in the front row. The Boss continues, "Employees are our most valuable asset." He says, "And lik emost assets, you decline in value over time." He says, "I know what you're thinking: Not all assets decline in value." He says, "For example, fine art is worth more every year." The Boss points to an image of Wally and says, "But I don't think the Louvre will be asking for one of these anytime soon." The Boss introduces Catbert and says, "On your way our, Mister Catbert will give each one of you a certificate of depreciation." Wally says, "It's still better than last year's theme, "Have you earned your air today?" Catbert hands Dilbert his award.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #problems, #waiting it out, #standing motionless, #reorganization

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Bob says to Asok, "Most problems go away if you wait long enough, Asok." Asok sits next to his computer looking dejected. Bob says, "It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for our problems to go away." The Boss pokes his head in Asok's cubicle and says, "There's been a reorganization..." Bob says, "I don't know why this works, but it does." Asok smiles.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cobol programmer, #millenium problem, #dinosaur

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "We need COBOL programmers for our mainframe millenium problem." The Boss says, "If you see anyone that looks like a COBOL programmer, let me know." Dilbert says, "Turn around." Bob the dinosaur is walking around the corner. The Boss says to Bob, "Are you a COBOL programmer?" Bob says, "No, but I'm often told I look like one." The Boss says, "You're hired."