Office Workers Comic Strips - Page 98

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags peer performance, reviews, limited budget, raises, slander coworkers, more money, weasel boy, hate empoyees

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The Boss says to Dilbert and Wally, "It's time to do peer performance reviews!" The Boss continues, "Remember, there's a limited budget for raises. Your best strategy is to slander your co-workers so there's more money for you!" Wally says to Dilbert, "I plan to say very nice things about YOU." Dilbert replies, "Nice try, weasel boy." The Boss thinks as he walks away, "Managing is easy when you hate the employees."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags career day, co workers, email, every person, red faced monkey, torrid love letter, professionalism

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Tina thinks, "I accidentally sent my torrid love letter to every person on our e-mail system." Tina peers out of her cubicle and thinks, "Should I hide forever or can I count on the professionalism of my co-workers?" Wally points to Tina's cubicle and says, "We'll complete our 'Career Day' tour with an exhibit that I call 'Tina, the Red-Faced Monkey of Love.'" Three children look in the cubicle and one says, "It's hiding."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags making personal calls, stealing, fist of death, eighty cents, talk to family, bill for overtime, being competetive, office supplies

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Alice sits at her desk. The Boss enters and says, "According to this phone bill, you've been making personal calls." The Boss continues, "That's like stealing from the company, Alice." Alice clenches her teeth, holds her fist and thinks, "Must . . . Control . . . Fist . . . Of . . . Death . . ." Alice looks at the telephone bill and says, "I only spent eighty cents to tell my family I was working late." Alice says, "Here's a dollar. The extra twenty cents is for the personal thought that I'm about to have on company time." Alice closes her eyes and imagines the Boss tied up with rope. She pictures handing him a stick of dynamite. Alice says, "And here's my bill for $40,000 in unpaid overtime that the company stole from me." The Boss replies, "That's not stealing; that's being competitive." Alice says, "I think I'll be competitive with a few bushels of office supplies later today."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags sit do mothing, implement, bold quality initiative, talented, energetic coworkers

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Dilbert sits in his cubicle and thinks, "I could sit here doing nothing." Dilbert clenches his fists, looks determined and thinks, "Or I could implement a bold quality initiative with the help of my talented and energetic co-workers." Dilbert thinks, "I crack me up."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags new objectoves, achievable, objectives approved, measurable

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Alice hands the Boss a document and says, "Here's a draft of my new objectives. I tried to make them achievable." The Boss reads, "No matter how stupid my co-workers are, I will not punch a hole in anyone's torso, rip out a vital organ and keep it in my cubicle as a warning to others." Outside the Boss's office, Wally says to Dilbert, "I hope she gets those objectives approved." Inside the office, Alice yells, "Yes! It's measurable!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags downsize wally, downsized, economic neccessity, exercise didn't work, salary, stressful job, team builkding, value of stock options, afford movies, money

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The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Dilbert, I've decided to downsize you." The Boss continues, "It's nothing personal, just an economic necessity." Dilbert tugs nervously at his necktie. The Boss says, "I calculated how much your salary was dragging down the value of my stock options." The Boss continues, "Without you, I can afford to go to the movies one additional time per year." The Boss continues, "And let's face it: recreation is important when one has a stressful job." Dilbert waves his arms and says sarcastically, "Hey, why don't you downsize Wally instead. You'll save enough in office supplies to buy popcorn too. Sheesh!" The Boss thinks, "Mmm . . ." Wally asks Dilbert, "How'd it go?" Dilbert says, "You know that team-building exercise we did last week? It didn't take."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags highly fragmented, optimize heard drive, vague, one gig hard drive, pentium processor

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Dilbert walks into the office building carrying a laptop computer in a case. A security guard with a huge head says to Dilbert, "Halt and submit to the mind scan of 'Brainitor, the Guardian of Security.'" Brainitor closes his eyes, puts his hands on his head and says, "The bag contains one computer . . . 'Pentium' processor . . . one gig hard drive . . . highly fragmented . . ." Brainitor continues, "Please wait while I optimize your hard disk . . ." Dilbert says, "This is vaguely unsettling."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags panther, cup of coffee, phil, prince, golden boy, potato salad, spoon

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The Boss enters the office kitchen and reaches for the coffeepot. He thinks, "He slips in like a panther to take the last cup of coffee and not make more." A devil carrying a spoon appears and shouts, "I am Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light! I darn you to heck!!!" The Boss looks surprised and says, "Phil?" Phil says to the Boss, "You were always mom's golden boy." The Boss looks in the refrigerator and says, "Somebody brought potato salad. Give me your spoon."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business language, competetive, salary increase goodbye, core business, lost, empowered, unimportant deciosns, reengineering, essential, people person, canibal, hire trained people, market driven, balme cutsomers, value employee input, hour, important

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Dogbert sits at a desk. The panel is titled "Business Language Explained." Someone says, "We have to be more competitive." Dilbert and Wally wear barrels instead of clothing. Wally says, "Nice barrel." Dilbert replies, "This old thing?" The caption says, "Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases." Someone says, "We must focus on our core business." The Boss feels his head and says, "Hello." The caption says, "Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands." Someone says, "You are empowered." Alice sits at her desk wearing a crown and saying, "I proclaim this to be 'Green Ink Day.'" The caption says, "Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions." Someone says, "We're reengineering your function." A man and a horse are kicked out an office window. The caption says, "Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on." Someone says, "Training is essential." A man at a desk asks, "You were a cannibal?" A man wearing a grass skirt and a bone in his hair replies, "I'm a people person." The caption says, "Meaning: We're trying to hire some trained people." Someone says, "We're market driven." A woman doing research asks a man, "What's your favorite odor?" The caption says, "Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation." Someone says, "We value employee input." Dilbert tells the Boss, "Thanks for listening." The Boss laughs hysterically. The caption says, "Meaning: We think humor is important."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags after merger, reduce staff, redundant, employees, evaluated, buying company, bald guy, steal office furniture, business

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Alice, Wally, Dilbert and a man from the buying company sit at a conference table. The man says, "After the merger, we'll reduce staff in areas that are redundant." Wally says, "I hope the employees of this company will be evaluated fairly compared to those in the buying company." The man says, "We already have a bald guy." Dilbert asks, "Does your steal office furniture, too?"