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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #award, #family haters, #association, #anti family practice

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The Boss is sitting at his desk. He opens an envelope and says, "I got an award!" The Boss reads, 'The 'Family-Haters Association' is proud to give you this award for your anti-family practices.'" The Boss hangs the award on his wall and thinks, "I hope no one reads it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new ustomer, #sign it, #write it, #valable time, #trapped in endless loop, #criticized, #start over, #write letter yourslef

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The Boss calls after Dilbert, "Dilbert, I want you to write a letter to our new customer." Dilbert follows The Boss down the hall. The Boss continues, "I'll tell you what to say, then you'll go write it and I'll sign it." The Boss sits at his desk and continues, "This way I won't waste my valuable executive time." He pauses and then continues, "It's efficient." Dilbert responds, "Yes, that's one possible outcome." He pauses and then continues, "Here's another." Dilbert continues, "You'll keep forgetting to mention important things that should be in the letter." Dilbert continues, "I'll be trapped in an endless loop of writing, tracking you down, getting criticized and starting over." Dilbert continues, "Or you could simply write the letter yourself and save us both a huge hassle." The Boss responds, "In paragraph one, say something like 'Hi.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #motor noises, #with lips, #scorpion king, #action figure, #personal message with nose, #trifecta, #carol

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Carol is sitting in her cubicle with a regular telephone in one hand and a cell phone in the other. She says into the regular phone, "So I told him to stop making noises with his lips." Carol turns and yells into the cell phone, "Get the Scorpion King action figure away from your sister's barbie!!!" Wally and Dilbert are looking over a cubicle wall. Wally says, "Now she's also typing a personal message with her nose!" Dilbert replies, "It's a trifecta!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #project summaries, #summarize summary, #doomed

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The Boss hands Asok some papers and says, "Asok, take these project summaries and summarize them into one summary." The Boss continues, "And when you're done, take that summary and summarize it." Asok approaches Dilbert and asks, "What is a shorter word for doomed?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #turned into sheep, #wear as sweater, #advice not ridicule, #pushy sheep, #bright side, #dilberts mother

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Dilbert's mom is cooking dinner. Dilbert says to her, "...And the next thing I knew, I'd been turned into a sheep." Dilbert's mom replies, "On the bright side, I won't need to remind you to wear a sweater." Dilbert says, "I was hoping for advice, not ridicule." Dilbert's mom replies, "No one likes a pushy sheep."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #indecion, #intense pressure, #impossible before deadline, #layers of management., #incompetence, #odor of doom, #scarce and sniff, #3d glasses

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Dilbert is giving a presentation. He says, "The original schedule looked like this..." Dilbert points to a slide and says, "One month for a management decision and one year to do the project." The Boss, Wally, and Alice listen as Dilbert continues, "The revised schedule is this..." Dilbert continues, "One year of indecision followed by intense pressure to do the impossible before the deadline." Dilbert passes a box of 3-D glasses and says, "Now if you'll each take a pair of 3-D glasses..." Dilbert continues, "You can see the layers of management incompetence practically jump out at you." Dilbert hands out cards and says, "Now scratch one of these scented cards to sniff the unmistakable odor of doom." Wally and Alice are suffering from the smell. The Boss says, "I don't smell anything. Is mine broken?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #drop by iq, #measure of drop by visitor, #stay in cubicle, #one hour

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Dilbert is sitting on the couch at home. Dogbert says, "I've developed a new theory of intelligence that I call 'Drop-by-I.Q.'" Dogbert continues, "It's a measure of how long a drop-by visitor will stay in your cubicle when you're trying to work." The Boss is standing in Alice's cubicle. He says, ..."And that's why I'm afraid of bananas." Alice looks at her clock and thinks, "One hour and counting."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #yemp, #fear of commitment, #one foot out door, #swiped

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The temp is standing with one leg up in the air. He says to Dilbert, "I'm a temp with a fear of commitment. I keep one foot out the door." Dilbert hands the temp a piece of paper and says, "Whatever. Just take care of this for me. It'll take ten minutes." The temp zips away faster than his clothes can move.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #epic year, #unethical behavior, #rebarnding, #hired dogcart consulting, #small improvements, #rename company, #stinking weasel, #slogan, #steal, #rob, #corruption, #hiring pirate, #diseased parrot

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "Thanks to an epic year of unethical behavior..." The Boss continues, "We need to do some rebranding so that no one knows who we are." The Boss points to Dogbert and continues, "I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to help." Dogbert says, "You can't fix your image all at once. I recommend starting with small improvements." Dogbert continues, "First, rename the company to Stinkingweasels Inc." Dogbert continues, "The new slogan will be 'We steal in ways you've never even heard of.'" Dogbert turns to The Boss and says, "For your spokesperson, I recommend hiring a pirate with a diseased parrot." The Boss is holding a bag of money. He says to the pirate, "No?" The pirate responds, "We have standards."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #assignment, #blah blah, #make holidays tense, #stockholder, #stop merger, #suing us, #dilberts mother

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Dilbert is at his computer. The Boss approaches, hands Dilbert a photograph, and says, "This stockholder is suing us to stop the merger. Go rough her up." Dilbert looks at the photograph and responds, "This assignment disturbs me on many levels." The Boss says, "Name one." Dilbert looks down at the photograph of his mom and says, "It will make the holidays tense." The Boss replies, "Blah, blah, blah."