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Caption reads: Dogbert's First Law of Business. Dogbert says, "Reality is always controlled by the people who are most insane." Caption reads: Example. A co-worker enters Dilbert's cubicle and says, "Thanks for agreeing to work on my project." Dilbert turns and says, "I never agreed to work on your project." The co-worker raises her arm and yells, "You can't change your mind now! It's too late to get someone else!" Dilbert says, "Um...I'm not changing my mind. I clearly said I would NOT work on your project." The co-worker drops her papers and screams, "You lying weasel! I'll ruin you!!" Dilbert shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll work on your project!" The same co-worker enters Wally's cubicle and says, "Wally, thanks for agreeing to donate your computer to my project." Wally says, "What?"
Wally, Carol, and Ted sitting at a table. Wally says, "Unlike you people in Marketing, I have highly sought technical skills." Carol looking at Wally while he says, "I'm too valuable to fire. So from now on, I'll deliver my project status on a balled-up piece of paper." Carol growls with her arms folded, "Grrr." Wally asks, "Is the cheerleader squad ready?" as he is about to flick a crumbled piece of paper into Ted's open arms (table hockey).
Dilbert and The Boss sitting at desk across from eachother. Dilbert asks, "How much budget do I have for my project?" The Boss replies, "I can't tell you." The Boss says, "If you knew what your budget was, you'd spend it all." Dilbert inquires," Can you at least tell me what our company strategy is?" The Boss responds, "No, I don't want you to lose hope."
The Boss and Alice sitting at table. The Boss says, "Alice, I checked with the other managers; they don't know you well enough to promote you." The Boss continues, "So we've decided to hire someone from outside the company." Alice is stunned. As Alice exits the room, she says, "At least the other managers have heard my name now." The Boss replies, "I didn't use your real name."
As Dilbert is working on the computer, The Boss comes over and says, "I fought to get your project classified as our top priority." Dilbert turns around and asks, "Did you get my e-mail saying the project isn't feasible?" The boss walks off and thinks, "I'll wait until tomorrow to tell him he's chairman of the 'quality festival'."
Rag Man thinks, "I hate being on an underfunded project." Alice walks by with some guy. Rag Man asks, "Can you spare some resources, lady? How about that intern? Are you using him?" Rag Man shows intern, "First you have to learn how to give yourself a sponge bath at the water fountain."
Rag Man asks Wally, "Can you spare anuy office supplies? I'm on an underground project." Wally asks, "How about a three-ring binder with one ring?" Rag Man says, "Score!" Rag Man says, "I'll melt into the background and let you get back to your palace and your fancy coffee." Wally clarifies, "It's a mocha."
Man comes up to Dilbert and introduces himself, "I'm the Rag Man from Project Luser." Rag Man says, "Budget cuts have hit our project hard. I'm forced to beg for resources." Dilbert holds out something and says, "I can spare some pencil shavings." Rag Man says, "Excellent! We make coffee out of that."
Project Status: Dilbert is giving a presentation. He points to the overhead projection. He says, "Due to budget cuts, our new product will have no user interface." The projection shows a blank computer monitor. Dilbert continues, "Our target market is people who are too shy to return products." The projection is of a person blushing. Dilbert comes home carrying his brief case. He says to Dogbert, "Is it a bad sign if you spend the day wondering why there are no laws against what you do for a living?"
At the staff meeting, The Boss says, "Good news on your budgets. I did some recalculating last night." The Boss says, "I found a way to give more money to every project without increasing the total budget for projects!" Wally raises his hand and says, "Question: Does your new way involve poor math skills?" Wally has a question mark above his head. Alice puts her arm in front of him and says, "Ignore the skeptic. Hey, I have a suggestion!" Alice says, "Maybe you could recalculate the salary budget for next year." Dilbert says, "And when was the last time you recalculated the vacation days?" Wally, using his calculator wrist watch, says, "I calculate that we have an hour left for this meeting, but I'm interested in YOUR caculation." Dilbert, Wally and Alice walk out of the meeting counting stacks of money. Dilbert says, "I think we got greedy when we asked if he change for a five." They whistle as they leave.