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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dogberts tech support, three menu, read a memo

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DOGBERTS TECH SUPPORT Dogbert sits at a desk and says into the phone, "So . . . There are three menu choices and the first two didn't work . . ." Dogbert's continues, "Some people would have recklessly tried the third choice before calling for help. But I can tell you're different." Dogbert continues, "Let's be honest with ourselves, Dave. Do you think anybody is going to read a memo from you?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags iso 9000 project, hand picked, manger, project

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Dilbert sits at a desk and says, "Thank you for coming to the 'ISO 9000' project kick-off meeting." Dilbert continues, "Each of you was hand-picked by your manager for this project because . . ." Dilbert faces a table of strange people and says, "Well . . . never mind why."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags marketing, offcie, opening in security, rat is insulted, ratbert, suited career, gnaw on cord, business

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Ratbert sits across from a desk and says, "Outwardly, yes, I'm a rat. But my bubbly personality and my utter lack of skill make me well-suited for a career in marketing." Ratbert asks, "Would you mind terribly if I gnawed on your phone cord?" The person at the desk says, "We have an opening in lobby security." Ratbert holds the phone cord in his mouth and says, "I'm insulted!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags invite yourself, meeting, split donut, ratbert at meeting, no experience in marketing, advised, business

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Ratbert arrives at home carrying a briefcase and says to Dogbert, "I didn't get the job in marketing. They say I have no experience." Dogbert responds, "Try inviting yourself to meetings. Nobody ever says no, and they're too timid to kick you out once you sit down." Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a conference table. Ratbert stands on the table next to a box of donuts and says, "Does anybody want to split a donut? I'll just take half and leave the rest."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags ratbert as intern, high traffic cube, look busy, ratbert looks busy, at computer

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Dilbert sits in his desk chair and says to Ratbert, "Since you won't go away, I'll make you an intern." Ratbert says, "Great! What's an intern?" Dilbert explains, "You'll spend your day in a high-traffic cube trying to look busy. Your main function is to make the rest of us glad we're not you." As he sits in a cubicle moving a mouse Ratbert thinks, "How did people ever look busy before computers?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags telemarketing, bid to run, telemarketers pay themselves, rip[ off people, old people, no way to lose

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Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. He hands the Boss a document and says, "Here's my bid to run your telemarketing company. Basically, it's no cost to you." Dogbert continues, "My telemarketers pay themselves. If they get a feeble-minded person on the phone they charge them triple and pocket the difference." The Boss says, "There's no way I can lose." Dogbert says, "Don't answer your home phone for a few weeks."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags united charity, below average, pay level, income, local agroups, approved list, team player, fund agency, away from scoiety

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Wally stands in front of Dilbert who is seated at his desk. Wally is reading a piece of paper and says to Dilbert, "Your contributions to 'United Charity' are below average for your pay level." Dilbert says, "Actually, I donate ten percent of my income and thousands of hours to local groups not on your approved list." Wally writes on the sheet, ". . . Not a team player." Dilbert says, "I fund an agency that keeps people like you away from society."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags team leader, raise, no extra money, responsibility, best epople, leave better companies, recognize them

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "I'm promoting you to team leader." Dilbert asks, "Do I get a raise?" The Boss replies, "There's no extra money, just extra responsibility. It's how we recognize our best people." Dilbert says, "I thought all the good people leave for better companies." The Boss walks away saying, "That's another way to recognize them."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags team leader, perks, staus, special agent, like wally but thicker, cubicle walls

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Dilbert stands in front of the Boss who is seated at his desk. Dilbert asks, "As team leader, I think I should get some perks so people know my status." The Boss replies, "I'll have your cubicle walls sprayed with a special thickening agent. It might look the same, but trust me, people will know how thick you are." Dilbert peers over his cubicle wall into Wally's cubicle and says, "I'm just like you, Wally, but thicker." Wally says, "I've noticed."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags ethical question, telecommuting, owe employer, saving planet, not driving, meeting, business

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Dogbert sits at Dilbert's desk at home. Dilbert stands in front of the desk holding a cup of coffee and dressed in a bathrobe. Dilbert says, "I have an ethical question about telecommuting, Dogbert." Dilbert continues, "Do I owe my employer eight productive hours, or do I only need to match the two productive hours I would have in the office?" Dilbert and Dogbert sit on the desk chair together. Dogbert answers, "Well, when you factor in how you're saving the planet by not driving, you only owe one hour." Dilbert adds, "And this meeting counts."