One Type Computer Comic Strips - Page 98
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Dilbert looks over his cubicle wall. The Boss says, "Our user manual has a typo. Our technical support calls are going to a phone sex place." The Boss says, "Complaints are way down." Customer's House: The customer sits at his computer and says into the telephone, "Well, okay, but... has that ever worked?" The voice on the other end of the line says, "No complaints yet."
Asok the intern is making a presentation. He points to the display projected from his laptop computer and says, "My new product is a database of famous serial killers." Asok says, "You can search the database by name, weapon, or tattoo." Alice frowns. Alice turns to Wally and says, "Let me guess, Wally: Six months ago our young intern asked you what the term 'killer application' meant." The Boss looks on.
Rag Man asks Wally, "Can you spare anuy office supplies? I'm on an underground project." Wally asks, "How about a three-ring binder with one ring?" Rag Man says, "Score!" Rag Man says, "I'll melt into the background and let you get back to your palace and your fancy coffee." Wally clarifies, "It's a mocha."
Dilbert remarks to Wally, "Is it my imagination or is your necktie getting shorter every day?" Wall chuckles. Wally replies, "I'm gradually moving toward casual clothes. In six months this necktie will be gone and no one will notice." Dilbert says, "Everyone noticed when you went bald." Wally asks, "I'm bald?"
Dogbert sits on the hassock watching tv. Dilbert says, "You should read books instead of watching television all the time, Dogbert." Dogbert asks, "Why?" Dilbert replies, "Books are more educational because they don't have any sound or pictures." Dilbert continues, "And books are challenging because it takes hours to read something that television could convey with one image." Dilbert continues, "And books make you think because they have more complex plots." Dilbert continues, "In fact, you can read entire books without even figuring out what the story was about." Dilbert continues, "Now compare that with all the junk you're watching." Dogbert says, "I just watched the story of how DNA was discovered, then learned to bake a cake from scratch, and now I'm learning the causes of global warming." Dogbert asks, "What are you reading?" Dilbert replies, "It's called 'The Poodle Who Killed.'"
Dilbert and a woman sit at a table in a restaurant. Dilbert says, "Waiter, there's a hair in my soup." The waiter says, "It looks like one of yours. I'm sure it wasn't there when I served it." Dilbert says angrily, "It is NOT one of mine!" The waiter replies, "Sir! You insult my integrity!" The waiter says, "I shall send the hair to our lab for analysis." Dilbert replies, "Fair enough." The waiter pulls out some of Dilbert's hair and says, "They'll need a clump of your hair for comparison." Dilbert cries, "Ouch!" Dilbert tells the woman, "You have to be tough with these waiters or else they'll walk all over you." The woman asks, "Does it seem odd to you that the restaurant has it's own lab?" Dilbert replies, "They must have a lot of problems with hairy food." The waiter returns and says, "The lab says they need a few more clumps of your hair . . ."
Dilbert tells Dogbert, "I discovered a new tool for meeting women." Dogbert asks, "A metal detector?" Dilbert says, "Exactly, I'll be nonchalantly using it in the park . . ." Dogbert asks, "And you'll find buried women who have metal plates in their heads?" Dilbert replies, "Don't be ridiculous. The odds of finding a live one are about a jillion to one." Dilbert says, "No, I plan to appeal to women's natural scientific curiosity." Dilbert continues, "They'll stike up conversations about how the metal detector works . . . And where they can buy one." Dilbert continues, "Ooh, I'd better bring a note pad to write down all the phone numbers." Dogbert says, "On one paw, I want to help him. On the other paw, maybe it's better if he doesn't ever reproduce."
Dilbert and Dogbert walk in the park. Dilbert asks, "Have you noticed that people rarely answer questions in conversation?" Dogbert says, "That reminds me of a story. One day I . . ." Dilbert says, "See? There! You didn't answer my question!" Dilbert asks angrily, "Do you think my questions are meant to be merely rhetorical?" Dogbert says, "You sure get worked up over the strangest things." Dilbert asks, "Are you doing this intentionally?!! Why won't you answer my questions??!!" Dogbert points at the sky and says, "Hey! There's a cloud that looks like a bunny!" Dilbert falls over and twitches as he says, "Why? Why? Why?" Dogbert thinks, "It doesn't get any better than this."
Dilbert braces himself against the desk as his arm disappears into the computer. He shouts, "Help! Dogbert, I'm being sucked into cyberspace!" Dilbert's head and torso disappear into the computer and he screams. Dogbert grabs his pants. Dilbert is gone, but Dogbert holds his pants. He says, "Let's hope you don't need pants in cyberspace." Dilbert floats through a strange world. He thinks, "Wow! It's like a 'Calvin and Hobbes' fantasy but without the artistic look to it." Dilbert thinks, "It's beautiful! I'm interacting with the minds of brilliant people from around the globe." A sign that says "Internet" points to the right. Dilbert floats past an "E-mail" sign. He thinks, "I can see how all their ideas and knowledge fit together! It's exhilarating!" Dilbert floats toward the exit and thinks, "How can I ever describe this to somebody who hasn't been here?" Dilbert tells a woman, ". . . And I didn't even need pants!" The woman replies, "So, you're some kind of nerd, right?"
Dogbert sits at a desk in front of a sign that says "Dogbert's Digital Dating Service." A man enters and says, "I'm a loser. Sign me up." Dogbert aims a camera at the man and says, "Say 'Velveeta.'" The man smiles. Dogbert sits at a computer and says, "Now we digitize your picture for the database." Dogbert says, "I could add some digital hair." The man replies, "Good idea." Dogbert says, "Maybe I should bob your nose and give you a tan." The man says, "That's fair." Dogbert asks, "Whiten teeth? Smooth wrinkles? Hide stomach? Thicken lips?" The man replies, "Yes" to all of his questions. The man looks at the final photo and says, "I look like Sandra Bernhard." Dogbert replies, "Yeah, but you have to admit it improves your odds."