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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 05, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #company, #survey, #attitudes, #anonymous, #retribution, #dog eared, #phone, #Number, #confidential, #green, #pen, #marker, #eskimo, #objectives

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Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss enters and says, "Dilbert, do you have a minute?" The Boss continues, "The company is doing an survey of employee attitudes about their bosses." The Boss continues, "It's totally anonymous, so you don't have to fear any retribution." The Boss opens an envelope and says, "Oops! It looks like your questionnaire is a bit dog-eared." The Boss continues, "I'll put my phone number on the confidential envelope in case you need me." The Boss hands Dilbert a pen and says, "You can use this green marker pen." The Boss adds, "Oh, and I took the liberty of checking off your ethnic background as Eskimo. It's just a statistical thing." Dilbert reads, "1. Does your boss clearly communicate your objectives?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 19, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #walk, #fouth, #grade, #teacher, #miss mulput, #remember, #homely, #gum, #punishment, #adult, #revenge, #backward

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Dogbert and Dilbert walk through the park. Dilbert says, "Hey, that's Miss Mulput, my old fourth grade teacher." Dilbert says, "Hi, Miss Mulput! Do you remember me - Dilbert?" Miss Mulput replies, "No." Dilbert says, "You used to make me write on the board a thousand times 'I will not be homely in class.'" Miss Mulput replies, "Oh, yeah. That was a good one." Dilbert says, "At the time it seemed like pretty strict punishment for chewing gum." Dilbert continues, "But that experience made me what I am today . . ." Dilbert continues, "An angry adult, obsessed with thoughts of revenge." Dilbert says, "You know, Miss 'Molepit,' if my dog had your face I'd shave his hiney and make him walk backward." Dogbert says, "Leave me out of this."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 09, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #the boss, #hire, #consultant, #cognitive, #dissonance, #employee, #morale, #absurd, #situation, #work, #minds, #comfortable, #illusion, #strange, #dead end, #job, #love, #mediocre, #freely

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Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Why should I hire you as my consultant?" Dogbert replies, "I'll use my special process of cognitive dissonance to improve employee morale." The Boss asks, "How does it work?" Dogbert explains, "When people are in an absurd situation, their minds rationalize it by inventing a comfortable illusion." The Boss says, "Okay, go do it." Dogbert asks an employee, "Isn't it strange that you have this dead end job when you're twice as smart as your boss?" Dogbert continues, "The hours are long, the pay is mediocre, nobody respects your contributions, and yet you freely choose to work here." The man looks upset. The man says, "It's absurd! No, wait . . . There must be a reason . . . I must work here because I LOVE the work." The man sits at his desk humming and thinking, "I love this job." Dogbert says, "Next!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 27, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #detective, #research, #potential, #romantic, #partner, #considering, #dating, #worried, #bill, #ego, #emotional, #depth, #conversations, #cheating, #body, #mind, #normal, #bad, #news

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Dogbert sits at a desk under a sign that says, "Detective research on your potential romantic partner." A woman says, "I'm considering dating a man, but I'm worried." Dogbert asks, "What's his name?" The woman answers, "Bill . . . His name is Bill." Dogbert says, "Ahh . . . Bill . . . Yes, I know all about Bill." Dogbert continues, "Bill has a huge ego. All he thinks about is himself." Dogbert continues, "He has no emotional depth and he thinks of your conversations as mere chatter. He wants your body, not your mind." Dogbert continues, "Several times a day, Bill imagines himself with different women." The woman looks upset. The customer says, "Darn. This time I thought I'd found a normal guy." Dogbert says, "I have some really bad news for you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 01, 1997's comic on:


Tags #goal is to be happy, #more successful, #annoy, #rat, #Dilbert, #lecture, #compare

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Ratbert and Dilbert are sitting on the couch. Ratbert says, "if the goal of all creatures is to be happy... and I'm happier than you are..." Ratbert continues, "We can conclude that I'm more successful than you are. Isn't that right?" Dilbert looks angry. Dilbert says, "You are REALLY starting to annoy me now." Ratbert says, "The gap widens. Yes!" and pumps his arm in victory.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 06, 1997's comic on:


Tags #brilliant advice, #few points, #iq points, #not harder, #people, #pillow gone, #smarter, #speak latin, #wally dream, #wanting to, #working in dump, #work smarter

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Wally lies in bed dreaming. In his dream, he says to The Boss, "Hey, Pointy-Hair!" Wally says, "Thanks for the brilliant advice that I should, 'Work smarter, not harder.'" Wally continues, "I didn't realize people could become smarter just by wanting to." Wally groans and his head begins to bulge. He says, "Watch me add a few IQ points right now!" The Boss looks wide eyed. Wally says, "Wow! Suddenly, I can speak Latin!" Wally groans some more, "Let's crank it up a few more points." Wally's head is humongous. He says, "Why am I working in this dump? I should be a consultant." The dream over, Wally is at work holding a coffee cup. His head remains humongous. He says to Dilbert, "When I woke up, my pillow was gone." Dilbert says, "Oh wow. You woke up in the wrong joke."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 09, 1997's comic on:


Tags #feel for engineers, #tired of pretty boys, #appreciate dancing, #exotic dancing, #passion, #phyiscs, #scratch ear, #can't get enough

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Dilbert sits in the park wearing a jogging suit and with his arms crossed. He looks mad. Dogbert sits witha cute girl. She says, "until I met you, Dogbert, I always fell for engineers." The girl pets Dogbert. She says, "But I'm tired of pretty boys. i want a guy who will appreciate my exotic dancing as much as my passion for physics." Dilbert starts sobbing. Dogbert says, "Scratch under this ear for a minute." The girl lifts his ear and says, "Sure. I can't get enough touching."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 10, 1997's comic on:


Tags #incredibly sexy, #fuzzy guy, #dogebrt, #dillbert, #in touch with feelings, #make me doubt, #scientific methid

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Dogbert stands with the cute girl. Dilbert wears a jogging suit. The girls says, "Wow. you're an incredibly sexy man. It's too bad I met this little fuzzy guy first." The girls says, "But looks aren't everything. Studies show that women want a man who is in touch with his feelings." Dilbert raises his eye brows. Dilbert screams, "I hate my life!!" The girls says, "Gee. That's enough to make me doubt the scientific method."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 23, 1997's comic on:


Tags #Catbert, #evil hr director, #abuse people, #reduce turnover, #job titles, #convicted felon

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Catbert, the Evil H.R. Director, sits at his desk. He thinks, "I can't abuse people if they quit the company. I'd better find a way to reduce turnover." Catbert types into his PC, "All job titles will be changed as follows..." Wally stares at his computer screen and says, "My new title is... "Convicted Felon." Dilbert says, "That's look good on the ol' resume."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 29, 1997's comic on:


Tags #engineers, #secret code, #little probelms, #technology, #managers, #agreed, #comapny

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Dilbert and an engineer from the other company sit at a table. Dilbert has a laptop computer open. Dilbert asks, "Tell me the truth. Use the engineer's secret code if you must." Dilbert continues, "Are there any little problems with the technology that my managers agreed to buy from your company?" The other engineer laughs, "Ha Ha Snort Snort Ha Ha Ha!!!" Dilbert types into his laptop and says, "1100111... Good. Go on."