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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags fantasy, emotional connection, fantasizing

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CEO: We need to form an emotional connection with our customers. Wally: Does fantasizing count? CEO: Trade seats with me. Wally: I'm doing it right now.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags ignorance (knowledge), managers & supervisors, values, don't run with scissors, ask for raises, employee values, business

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CEO: Experts say we need to empower employees with "values." So I guess we need some values, whatever the heck those are. Boss: I think it's like "Don't run with scissors." CEO: Let's start with that and see if they stop asking for raises.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags laziness, sense of urgency, energy, pretend to work, fake urgency, vague goals, health

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Boss: We need to have a sense of urgency. Wally: I use most of my energy pretending to work, but I can add a layer of fake urgency if you really need it. Boss: What? Wally: I gotta go! I have vague goals to achieve!

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags angel, fix things, granted wishes, know it all, needy, questions, things gone wrong, workers, angel of competence

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Angel: I am the angel of competence. I have come to mark you as an engineer turn around, Dilbert: So, its like an honor? Angel: Sure, if that makes you feel better. The Boss: Can you show me how to set ups my wireless router at home? Tina: My phone keeps freezing up, can you look at it? Ted: How long should I barbecue trick-tip? Man: The pilot lightly on my water heater is out, How do you fix cracks in a driveway? what exactly does iCloud do? GAAA!!! Dilbert: I need to talk to the angel of competence have you seen him? Wally: He died in my cubicle, Thats all Im saying.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags cruelty, maintenance plan, managers & supervisors, over budget, take chances, business

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Dilbert: Should we buy the maintenance plan or just take our chances? What do you prefer? Boss: I prefer to punish you for buying the maintenance plan and going over budget, but I also don't mind firing you for not buying it if we later need it. Which one of us has a better job?

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags conversation, obliviousness, rich people, underling, common interest, gold coins, jumbo jet, super yacht

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CEO: Oh, great. I got here too early. Now I'll need to make small talk with this underling. I don't know what to say to these people. I need to find an area of common interest. I make my own gold coins now. This one has my face on the front and the jumbo jet that carries my superyacht on the back.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags fear, violence, inspection, elbonian facility, disputed territory, totalitarian state, north elbonia, forshadowing

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Boss: I need you to do a site inspection at our Elbonian facility. It's located in a disputed territory on the border of the totalitarian state of North Elbonia. Was that enough foreshadowing or should I say something about how they treat spies? Dilbert: No, you nailed it.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags secreatry, booked flight, smog, hardened, machete, hack tunnel, asthma attack, treatment

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Carol: I booked you flight to the polluted capital of Albania. Their smog has hardened into a sold. use this machete to hack a tunnel through it. If you have an asthma attack the treatment is the same as for a sea urchin sting. YOu'll need to urinate on your lungs.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags leadership, disgruntled robot, warranty, water damage, mechanical failure, under warranty

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Dilbert: Your leadership made our robot disgruntled. Dilbert: His warranty only covers water damage and mechanical failure. It doesn't cover bad management. The Boss: I don't feel good about this, but its the only way to get you replaced under warranty.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags road map, strengthen core, real work, manage, waste inspiration

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The Boss: we need to follow our startegy road map and strengthen our core to become the provider of choice. Dilbert: Do you mind if I go do some real work whole you stay here and mange your brains out? Dilbert: I don't want to waste all of you inspiration you just gave me. Alice: snort.