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Alice's Brain Is Full

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Alice's Brain Is Full - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, brain, full, memory, work

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boss: why aren't you working? alice: my brain is full. boss: i'll check back later. alice: i won't remember you.

To Do List

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To Do List - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, list, self management, success, tasks, to do list, Win

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dilbert thinking: i accomplished fifteen tasks on my to-do list today. that leaves only seven hundred tasks, not counting the twenty-three i added today. dilbert to dogbert: i wonder what winning feels like. dogbert: it's great.

Goggles Remove Humans

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Goggles Remove Humans - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, technology, goggles, human, scenery, alone, noise canceling, headphones, interaction, mega, dork

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dilbert: i invented goggles that remove humans from the scenery, so one can enjoy being alone. add noice canceling headphones, and you'll never again have to experience the horror of human interaction. alice: you freakin' megadork. dilbert holding arms out: mmmm, bliss.

The Secret To Managing

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The Secret To Managing - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, business, manager, hire, people, smart, steal, success, rumor, job

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boss to catbert: the secret to being a great manager is hiring people who are smarter than you are. then you have to take credit for their successes so they don't take your job. i also find it helpful to start rumors that they steal.

I Will Send You A List

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I Will Send You A List - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, technology, target, complicated, detail, list

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wally: and i plan to meet my targets by doing a variety of complicated things. boss: what kind of things? wally: i'll send you a detailed list. boss: what if you forget to send it? wally: with any luck, you'll forget you asked for it.

Dilbert Did Not Say That

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Dilbert Did Not Say That  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, office workers, boss, prototype, authority, idiot, liar, innocent, guilty

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co-worker: why did you tell our pointy-haired boss we need to do more testing on the prototype? dilbert: i didn't do anything of the sort. co-worker: carl says you did. dilbert: who is a better authority on what i said - a guy who wasn't in the room or me? co-worker: good question. on one hand, carl is an idiot and a known liar. on the other hand, it is common for guilty people to say they are innocent. dilbert: what do innocent people say when you accuse them of stuff? co-worker: who knows? just do't do it again. dilbert under distress: i didn't do it once!!!

Ted Talks Creates A God

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Ted Talks Creates A God - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, technology, mental, midget, ted talks, binge-watching, god, dumb, all knowing

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new hire: i must leave you mental midgets behind as i go start up my own company. i was once dumb like all of you. then i started binge-watching ted talks, and i evolved. dilbert: what are you now? new hire: some kind of god, i assume.

Ted Talks Might Take Your Job

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Ted Talks Might Take Your Job - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, social media, technology, instagram, ted talks, smart, moron

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boss: the moron i hired keeps watching ted talks and getting smarter. he's only about three ted talks away from taking your job. ceo: there must be a way to slow him down. boss: i'll see if i can interest him in instagram.

Ted Talks Make You Smarter

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Ted Talks Make You Smarter - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, moron, new hire, smart, ted talk, binge-watch

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new hire: i used to be a moron, but then i binge-watched seventeen ted talks on youtube. now i'm the smartest person in the room. wally: should we do something about this? dilbert: i don't know. i've only watched six ted talks.

Hiring Morons And Ted

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Hiring Morons And Ted - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, labor, market, hire, moron, position, ted talk, video, smart

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boss: the labor market is so tight that i had to hire a moron just to fill a position. my plan is to make him watch ted talk videos until he smartens up. dilbert: how many will it take? boss: with any luck, fifteen to seventeen will get it done.