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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 07, 2005's comic on:


Tags #raises, #percentage raises, #dont discuss, #humilaiting, #low raises, #wages, #money

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"Please don't discuss your raise with co-workers." "Whatever." "Let's see how the losers and morons did." "You only got 6%? I got 8%." "9%. Why do you ask?" "7.5%. Anything less would be humiliating." "Well, let me see...I think it was..." "Brace for impact." "8.5%" "GAAA!!" "Has she yet learned why it is a bad idea to discuss her raise with co-workers?" "Sounds like it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 05, 2005's comic on:


Tags #accomplishments, #iso 9000, #sei policies, #new policy, #comply, #head spin, #imagination, #pretending to work

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Wally: "My accomplishments this month include complying with our ISO 9000, Sarbanes-Oxley and SEI-5 policies." "And if you make a new policy, I will comply with it so fast it will make your head spin!" "Is it my imagination or is pretending to work getting easier?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 03, 2005's comic on:


Tags #my hat, #can't see, #perfect for job, #reverse psychology, #potentail jumpers

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"I understand that you have an opening for a negotiator who deals with potential jumpers." "I can't see you because my hat is in the way, but you sound perfect for the job." "Your reverse psychology didn't work." "What reverse psychology?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 30, 2005's comic on:


Tags #brain transplant, #ask anything, #roman general crossing rubicon, #dijon, #vinagrette

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Dilbert: How'd your brain transplant work out? The Boss: Great . ask me anything. Dilbert: What roman general was famous for crossing the rubicon river? Caesar Dilbert: wow thats right. The boss: Phew! Im glad I didn't ho with dijon vinagarette

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 29, 2005's comic on:


Tags #fresh cauliflower, #sleep, #operation oiwrked, #reminds me, #anesthesia, #health

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"First I'll saw open your head. Then I'll replace your faulty brain with a fresh cauliflower." "How do I know you won't put me to sleep, eat the cauliflower and claim the operation worked?" "That reminds me: your insurance doesn't cover anesthesia."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 28, 2005's comic on:


Tags #absent monded, #cauliflower, #replace brain, #specialist, #untested, #worth a cahnce

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"I'm referring you to a specialist who can treat your absent-mindedness." "His method is untested, but I think it's worth a chance." "You'll replace my brain with a cauliflower?" "They're just like brains, but much cheaper."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 27, 2005's comic on:


Tags #forgetting things, #hospital, #odctors, #exam room, #monkeys brain, #replace brain, #medical

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"I keep forgetting where I put things." "The problem is that you're stupid." "I recommend replacing your brain with a monkey brain." "Will that help?" "No, I just hate monkeys."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 24, 2005's comic on:


Tags #director of marketing, #ideas, #undercuts authority, #boss, #putrid boss, #bullying, #initative, #hammered

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"I have a great idea." "I was chatting with the director of marketing and we...." "WHAT?!!" "Never discuss ideas with the director of marketing! Never!" "Erk!" "You work for me! When you talk to others managers it undercuts my authority!" "If I accept ideas from another manager, it's just like he's my boss!" "Amazing! Did you know that your behavior is described on page 27 of the 'Putrid Boss' Book? It's the chapter on killing initiative and bullying!" "That's fascinating. Now let me show you something that isn't in the book." "It looks like someone has been showing initiative." "Please shut up."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 20, 2005's comic on:


Tags #must bride, #elbonians, #nuclear weapon, #microwave instead, #persian rugs

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Dilbert: The Elbonians won't do business with my company unless we bribe them. Dogbert: offer to give them plans for building a nuclear weapon, Then give them plans to build microwave ovens instead. Dilbert: would that work? Dogbert: why do you think our garage is full of persona rugs?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 19, 2005's comic on:


Tags #elbonians, #demanding bribes, #overpaid consultants, #legal, #won't get caught

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"The Elbonians are demanding bribes, or else they won't do business with us." "Hire them as overpaid consultants and don't ask them for anything. That way, it's all legal." "And by legal you mean won't get caught?" "Po-tay-to, po-tah-to."