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dogcart: I heard your company is funding terrorists. Dilbert: "Very indirectly." "And they aren't the bad kind of terrorists. They're more like rebels who sometimes do terrorist things." Dogbert: "How did they brainwash you so fast?" Dilbert: "Iran supplied them with PowerPoint."
Tags #ceo's meeting, #boos, #Dilbert, #status on technology, #platform migration, #nothing to hide, #100 drunken clowns, #beed in their underpants, #decline in morale, #pretending tow ork, #get fired, #hide things
CEO Meeting The Boss: "I brought Dilbert in case you have any technical questions." CEO: "What's the status on the technology platform migration project?" The Boss: "Be completely honest. We have nothing to hide." Dilbert: "Well, okay." "The project is like a hundred drunken clowns with bees in their underpants." "I expect the decline in morale to lead to violence." "Most of us are only pretending to work while secretly hoping the project gets canceled after you get fired by the board." "It turns out that we did have a few things to hide."
"I represent the law firm of Dogbert, Dogbert, and more Dogbert." "Your company's web page steals people's cursors and puts them in your own search field." "And my suit is too tight. When you put it all together, I might have to kill you."
Dogbert consults "You need a dashboard application to track your key metrics." "That way you'll have more data to ignore when you make your decisions based on company politics." "Will the data be accurate?" "Okay, let's pretend that matters."
Dogbert's tech support "Give me a list of all the software and hardware you're using." "Now sit there like a sheep while I randomly select a product from the list and tell you it's the problem." "What if I know it isn't?" "That will matter less than you'd imagine."
Dogbert's tech support "Try turning off your router, your modem, and your computer." "Now turn off your air conditioning, your lights, and your water heater. Unplug your microwave and defrost your refrigerator." "You're very thorough." "Cancel your garbage service, renounce your citizenship, and yank out your phone."
"Yes, do that right away." "Do what?" "Can I ignore e-mail from people who don't include my original message in their reply?" "Yes, and you can hate them, too." "90% of happiness is picking the right ethicist."
"I spent my entire day planning and scheduling future work, and no time doing work." "Tomorrow I plan to spend the entire day explaining why I didn't have time to do work." "It hurts less if I call it a plan." "What happens if you call it your purpose?"