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We can't start designing the product until someone tells us what features it should have. "That's like saying you can't play on the beach until you know how many grains of sand there are." "Um...I don't think it's very much like that." "Analogy police. Come with me." "Are you taking me to jail for making a bad analogy?" "The analogy police don't use a real jail. We use something similar." "You'll be here with this beautiful woman." "Really? That's not so bad." "She's the one being punished." "Your necktie is like Hitler at an ice rink."

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"Dilbert, come up with a plan to integrate our product with the one we acquired through the merger." "Okay. My plan is to throw away the competitor's product because it's just a cheap knock-off of our product." "How about a plan that doesn't make our CEO look like a moron?" "He could stop wearing sleeveless sweaters."

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"I gave Tom his two weeks' notice. You'll have to do his job until I replace him." "He's a bit disgruntled, but I'm sure he'll be a professional and train you before he leaves." "I was shocked and appalled to hear that you got fired." Grrr grrr "He isn't buying my fake sympathy." Grrr grrr "Sooo...How about a little training?" "Everything you need is in this irreplaceable binder." CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP "I probably won't get you a card."

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Dogbert's Retirement Planning Seminar "I'll show you how to spend your golden years on the golf course." "Get a job caddying for people who have better jobs than you." "Never pay rent again, thanks to the patented Dogbert breathing tube for sand traps!"

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"Oh great Wizard of Landfill, can you show me how to go home?...Also, my pals need experience and ambition." "You're here because you ran out of good ideas...Here are a few gems about the idiots who manage my company." "There's no place like my home office...There's no place like my home office..." "He was creepy."

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"We're off to see the Wizard of Landfill. He'll give you some ambition and he'll show me how to get home." "Can we go too? I need experience...And he needs a brain, heart, soul, and a strategic vision." "No I don't. You're fired!" "And a job...I need a job."

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Tags yellow sticky note road, wizard of landfill, coffee cup, caffeine

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"Will the yellow sticky-note road lead me home?" "Not directly." "We're off to see the Wonderful Wizard of Landfill. He'll know how to get you home." "Holy #!%$, I hope this isn't him." "Coffee...cup...need...caffeine..." Continued

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Tags new guy, project staus report, random pharse, generatormmeail, listens, when he's talking

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"Alice, can you show the new guy how to do a project status report?" "He doesn't read them, so we all use a random phrase generator. I'll e-mail it to you." "You said that in front of him." "He only listens when he's talking."

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Tags power point zone, real wolrd, bullet points, imaginary prodcutivity, eight lsides

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I am entering the PowerPoint zone. "I no longer feel the need to change the real world as long as I can change these bullet points." "How much imaginary productivity did you have today?" "Eight slides!"

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Tags buy insurance, whole life umbrella rider, read list, acts of god, wrong god, lighting strike

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"I'd like to buy some insurance, but I don't know much about it." "You need my special indemnity casualty whole life umbrella rider binder." "What does it cover?" "I can't answer that directly?" "Just read that list of exclusions. Anything not in there is covered." "Does it cover acts of God?" "Yes, unless you pray to the wrong one." "How do I know if it's the wrong god?" "If you buy this insurance, and lightning doesn't strike me, try another god."