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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Catbert, evil hr director, java coding, raise salary, spinning head, 10 years experience

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Catbert says to Wally, "I can't raise your salary level because you don't have ten years experience with 'Java' coding." Wally raises his hand and says, "Nobody has ten years experience with new technology! You're just being evil. Admit it." Catbert's head spins. Wally says, "And could you please shake your head back and forth instead of spinning it around?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags editable wax fruit, live at desk, no social life, social activity, vending machine food, marketing network

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During a staff meeting, The Boss says, "It has come to my attention that one of you has a social life." Wally says, "There must be some mistake." The Boss says, "We can't be successful until our social lives are worse than the industry average." He stands up and says, "Our competitors spend the nights in their cubicles. They eat from vending machines." The Boss walks behind Wally, Dilbert and Alice. He says, "Someone here has not shown the same level of competetive spirit." The Boss grabs Asok by the collar and says, "Someone had a social activity last night!" Asok cries, "I'm sorry! I thought they were friends... but they were only recruiting for a multi-level marketing network!!!" Dilbert says, "What were they selling?" Asok says, "Edible wax fruit. Brochure?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Catbert, evil director, human resources, randomly selected, drug test, unlucky at work, hair samples, one whole eyebrow, lost box, business

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Catbert sits at his computer terminal. The monitor dispalys a picture of Wally, labeled Victims. Catbert thinks, "You're next." Catbert stands in Wally's cubicle and says, "Wally, you've been randomly selected for an employee drug test." Wally says, "Randomly? Why am I the only one who gets picked every week?!" Catbert says, "You're very unlucky at work. But I'm sure you compensate by being lucky at love." Catbert laughs a maniacal laugh. Catbert says, "Anyway... our new drug test uses hair samples." Catbert holds a little box and says, "To be safe, give me six hairs... and one whole eyebrow." Catbert walks off with his box, purring. He thinks, "I'll come back in an hour and says I lost the box."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dilbert mother, promoted, executive engineer, same pay, responsibility, throw party, no gifts, no music, no food, no guests, business cards

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Dilbert is on the phone while Dogbert watches. Dilbert says, "Mom, guess what.. I got promoted!" Dilbert says, "You're talking to the new Executive Engineer." Dilbert says, "No.. nobody reports to me. No... it's the same pay as before." Dilbert says, "But I do get a lot more responsibility!" Dogbert's ears fly up. Dilbert puts his hand over the telephone receiver and says to Dogbert, "She's going to throw a party for me!" Dilbert's Mom sits on the couch and says, "No.. no gifts. No... no music. No... no food. No.. no guests." Dilbert says, "I guess it's just you and me." Dilberts mom says, "I'm busy that day." Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a table wearing party hats. Dilbert says, "I'm not allowed to get new business cards, but I can write my new title on the old ones!" Dogbert falls asleep.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags new personal crusade, hunt down people, strong opinions, bop them, everyone on earth

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Dogbert stands on a table and says to Dilbert, "I have a new personal crusade." Dogbert holds a cardboard tube. Dogbert says, "I'm going to hunt people down who have strong opinions on subjects they don't understand. Then I'll bop them with this cardboard tube." Dilbert says, "That would include everyone on Earth except you and me." Dogbert says, "Lean over here."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags ballon with sand, breaks, little ballon, requests new keyboard, sand in keyboard, stressful day, reduce stress

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Dilbert squeezes a "stress ball" while he sits at his computer. He thinks, "It's been a stressful day. Luckily I have this little balloon full of sand to squeeze and reduce my stress." Dilbert squeezes the balloon so hard it goes "poof" and sand falls into his keyboard. Dilbert thinks, "Oops." The Boss holds a paper, an equipment request, and says to Dilbert, "You need a new kybard? What's a kybard?" Dilbert is extremely angry and screams, "Just sign the stupid thing!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags disconnect you, abrupt disconnect, please hold, wrong button, kevorkian disconnect, annoying message

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Dogbert sits at a computer with a telephone headset on. He says, "This is Dogbert's technical support. How may I disconnect you?" Wally sits at his computer and holds a cordless phone. He says, "What are my choices?" Dogbert says, "I recommend the abrupt disconnect; simple, gets the job done." Wally replies, "I had that last time. What else do you have?" Dogbert says, "You might like our 'Please hold,' followed by the 'wrong button' disconnect." Wally says, "Too predictable. Do you have anything new?" Dogbert says, "Try our new "Kervorkian Disconnect." I put you on hold and play an annoying message until you disconnect yourself." Through the phone Wally hears, "Your call is important. Please hold while we ignore it... Your call is important..." Wally thinks, "Not bad."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags old job, network systems, asminstrator, reckless abuse, power, new ethernet card, solve problem, big pile, office

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Dilbert and Dogbert sit on the couch. Dilbert eats potato chips. Dogbert announces, "I'm going back to my old job as a network systems administrator." Dilbert asks, "Why?" Dilbert offers Dogbert some chips as Dogbert says, "I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power." Asok the Intern sits at his computer and looks at Dogbert who is waving an ethernet card at him. Dogbert says, "This new ethernet card could solve your problems. Would you like a sniff before I throw it in a big pile in my office?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Catbert, evil director, clean desk policy, lick clean, spineless, stupid

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Catbert: Evil H.R. Director Catbert stands atop Wally's computer monitor and waves a new policy sheet in Wally's face. "Here's the new 'clean desk' policy, Wally." Wally reads from the sheet, "Employees must lick their workplaces clean at the end of each business day." Wally stands in the doorway to the Boss's office. He says, "Do they seriously think we're this spineless and stupid?" The Boss responds, "Ahm nah chanthing it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags blowing off idiots, information, web page, misunderstood

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Dilbert sits at his computer. Dogbert walks up and says, "I have a new method for blowing off the idiots who ask questions." Dogbert waves his tiny armsi in the air and says, "I say, 'That information ison my web page. Shoo, shoo." Dilbert asks, "What happens when they find out it isn't?" Dogbert replies, "I'll say, 'You must have misunderstood your question.'"