Space Time Fold Comic Strips - Page 99

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #award, #tim, #incredible accomplishments, #two years stonewalling, #hired

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The Boss says to Alice and Dilbert, "This award goes to Tim for his incredible accomplishment." The Boss hands Tim an award and says, "After two years of stonewalling all progress, Tim finally agreed to do the work for which he was hired." The Boss continues, "We look forward to working with Tim in the coming year." Tim says, "As if I'd have time for that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #trade show, #free stuff, #cheap pens, #eye contact, #hit buffet

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The caption says, "At the trade show." Wally asks a man at a booth, "What kind of free stuff do you have?" Wally opens a shopping bag and says, "Cheap pens? That's original. Okay, fill 'er up. But I'm afraid I can't give you any eye contact." Wally walks away holding a bag of free stuff and thinking, "That's enough industry research for today. It's time to hit the buffet."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #meets expectations, #review, #two percent raise, #eighty hour week, #three patents, #make millions, #donated bone marrow, #attendece problem, #cheated on money, #alice, #take advantage, #cheap, #scammed

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The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Alice, your performance this year is 'meets expectations.' You get a two percent raise." Alice looks shocked and says, "MEETS EXPECTATIONS?! I worked eighty hours every week!" The Boss replies, "Yeah . . . Well, I expected that." Alice yells, "I earned three patents this year! The company will make millions!!" The Boss says, "Really? Wow. I mean . . . I expected that too." Alice clenches her teeth and shouts, "I donated bone marrow to our biggest customer!!! Twice!!!" The Boss replies, "I noted that under 'attendance problem.'" Alice, Dilbert and Wally sit at a table eating lunch. Alice leans on the table and covers her face. Dilbert tells her, "I told you the bone marrow thing would haunt you." Wally says, "I'm starting to think the time I worked through lunch was for nothing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #audit, #documented procedures, #divided, #two groups, #unethical, #unprodcutive, #train department, #lie to auditor, #document, #inane prcedures

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The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We'll be having an ISO 9000 audit soon. They'll check to see if we follow our own documented procedures for everything we do." The Boss continues, "I've divided our preparation tasks into two groups: unethical and unproductive." Wally tells Dilbert, "I'll train our department to lie to the auditor. You can document our inane procedures." Dilbert replies, "No fair. You did unethical last time too!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #naked and exhausted, #fishing boat, #grabbed line, #held on, #secondd time, #threw back in

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Dilbert sits in his chair wearing a bathrobe and Dogbert sits on the armrest. Dilbert tells Dogbert, ". . . There I was, naked and exhausted, miles from shore. Dolphins taunted me for hours." Dilbert continues, "Suddenly a deep sea sport fishing boat happened by. I grabbed the line and held on for my life." Dogbert replies, "Wow! That's lucky." Dilbert says, "That's what I thought . . . Until the second time they threw me back in." Dogbert replies, "I meant lucky for them."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #use speakerphone, #voice mail, #speaker phone, #inconsiderate, #too stupid, #annoying, #bob dinsoaur, #wedgie, #service elevator, #look on face, #way they yell, #philiosphers

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A man sits in his cubicle thinking, "It's time to use my speakerphone to do voice mail." The man thinks, "I can't remember if I use the speakerphone because I'm inconsiderate or because I'm too stupid to know how annoying it is." The man thinks, "I'll leave that question to the philosophers." The man screams, "Hi. Thanks for the information. Talk to you later!!!" The man shouts, "Did I tell you about my cyst?" Dilbert hears the man yelling and sends an e-mail message that says, "Dogbert, send Bob the Dinosaur quickly!" Bob says to the building security officer, "I'm here to deliver a wedgie." The man replies, "Use the service elevator." Dilbert sits at his desk humming while the man next to him screams as Bob gives him a wedgie. Dilbert presses the elevator button and asks Bob, "What's the best part - the look on their faces or the way they yell?" Bob replies, "I'll leave that question to the philosophers."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dying comapny, #fully understand, #stock rose, #boneheaded, #competitive edge

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The Boss tells Dilbert and Wally, "In today's news, our company has decided to buy another dying company in a business we don't fully understand." The Boss continues, "Our stock rose five points on the announcement." Wally asks Dilbert, "Why does our stock go up every time we do something boneheaded?" Dilbert replies, "I like to think of it as our competitive advantage."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #administrative task, #beg for asisiatnace, #network administrator, #new password, #upgrading network, #forgotten password

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Asok says to Dogbert, "I have forgotten my password. I humbly beg for assistance." Dogbert replies angrily, "I have no time for boring administrative tasks, you fool! I'm busy upgrading the network!" Asok says, "You could have give me a new password in the time it took to belittle me." Dogbert replies, "Yes, but which option would give me job satisfaction?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #flying around dearth, #enough time, #give parents contraception, #travel back in time

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Dilbert sits at his desk and tells the Boss, "At first I thought you committed me to an impossible deadline. But I have a theoretical solution." Dilbert explains, "It involves flying around the earth so fast that I travel back to the past." The Boss asks, "And then you'll have enough time?" Dilbert replies, "No, then I'll give your parents this pamphlet on contraception."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #small fonts, #save disk space, #semi colons, #colons, #was fun, #new ideas, #next staff meeting

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Dilbert listens as Asok says to the Boss, "My idea is that everyone should be required to use small fonts. That way we'll save disk space." Asok continues, "And I've noticed that many people use entire colons in situations where a semicolon would do just fine." As they walk away, Asok says to Dilbert, "You're right, that was fun." Dilbert replies, "The real fun is when he describes his new ideas at the next staff meeting."