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"If I start the project today and work nights and weekends it will take...oh, six months." "It has to be done in ONE month so we can show it to our VP on her annual visit." "I have to know; does it even cross your mind to handle this differently?" "I'll need daily status reports on why you're so behind."
Employee: So now I have carpal tunnel syndrome... The Boss: ZZZZ Employee: you don't care about the health of your employees! All you care about is money!! The Boss: money? Employee: I need surgery! Im in constant again!! The boss: False alarm. zzz
Dogbert: My market research indicates that 50 % of your customers are above the median age. But the shocking discovery was that 50 % were below the median age. The Boss: what percent are exactly the median age? Dogbert: Im proposing to study that impasse two.
The Boss: Our CEO will visit here next week. You all know what to do. Dilbert: we should stop all productive work and create overhead transparencies that exggerate our value. The Boss: and a few of our uglier coworkers will be replaced by actors. Dilbert: As long as its no Gerard Depardieu.
The Boss: Our CEO cancelled his visit, He's sending his top aid, ZIMBU the monkey in his place. Dilbert: Isn't that typical? I spent a week exaggerating my accomplishments for this now he sends a stupid monkey! what could be more humiliating than trying to suck up to a monkey? Monkey: Failing at it?
Dogbert's Ad Agency Dogbert: Ive developed a new slogan that captures the essence of those company. "we abuse our employess and pass the savings to you" We'll film actual employees in their squalid cubicles. The boss: Wear that shirt
Dogbert's Ad Agency Dogbert: Your commercial should compare your best assets to the competition's worst. we'll use a hidden camera to film your employees on the job. The Boss: I missed something here... Dogbert: we'll imply that they all work for the competition . this isn't a documentary.
Dilbert: Here's the final design for Project 'Zebra'. I worked day and night for weeks to finish it on time. The Boss: I canceled that project a month ago, I meat to tell you. Dilbert: In some countries it would be legal to kill you with this binder, The Boss: Thats why I don't travel.
The Boss: Our two goals this year are to downsize and to improve customer service. Dilbert: question: how can you improve service if you're getting rid f service people? The Boss: who do you think is screwing up the customer service? duh...
The Boss: "You're fired, Wally. But since we care, we've contracted an outplacement agency to help you." The Boss: "You'll get your own cubicle. And you can make all the photocopies you want!" Wally: "What would I want to photocopy?" The Boss: "Food stamps, dollar bills, that sort of thing."